Last Night's Winner: Cirrhosis Of The Liver

In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like all you rummies out there who have merged St. Patrick's Day and March Madness into a sort of extended holiday—Hanukkah for drunks.

You're probably hung over right now. That's OK. No one's working, anyway, except for the good folks who in approximately one hour will serve you the first of many beers today. You will be drunk again in a matter of hours, and you will remain drunk throughout the weekend and for the balance of tournament, and you will awaken on the Tuesday after the championship game, blinking into the spring sun, wondering about those mysterious bruises and the blister above your lip, having cost the American economy a bajillion dollars in worker productivity. (This is my very favorite part of March Madness, incidentally—the part where some HR company trying to get mentioned on TV plucks a dollar figure out of the air and tries to shame America with all its wasted productivity. And all America ever does is shrug and return to its four-hour lunch. At this point, I'm thinking these companies could really spend their time in more productive ways.)

Anyway, this is your holiday, problem drinkers of America. Enjoy it safely.

Honorable mention: Matt Leinart. It's your show now.