If you're stuck at work at 4 p.m. ET or fortunate enough to live in a time zone that doesn't involve staying up past midnight just to watch a darned playoff baseball game, we're here to help. We'll be live-blogging Game One of the Atlanta Braves-Houston Astros game. We will do our best to appear more interested than the rest of the United States
Just bookmark this page and keep reloading throughout the game. We've already eliminated Joe Morgan and Chris Berman as potential broadcasters, so, you know, we should be in pretty good shape here.
Playoff Pants Party: Braves Vs. Astros [Deadspin]
(Live Blog Begins After The Jump. It Ends In The Top Of The Eighth, Though. Sorry.)
TOP OF THE EIGHTH: From a reader:
"And 'He ain't 80,' referring to your note about Andy Pettite in the live blog, is one of my favorite lines to bust out. Two years ago, when Georgia Tech made it to the NCAA basketball championship to be UConn's whipping boy, they featured a forward named Clarence Moore. Because I'm one of those sicko proud alums, I made a t-shirt featuring his picture with the phrase "I ain't 80" on it. Why? Because have you heard of more of an old-man name than "Clarence Moore"?"
We're not sure what we mean, but yeah! Chris Reitsma is in the game. Leadoff single to Adam Everett. Game slows to a crawl. Brad Ausmus just hit an infield single, which we do not understand.
Pettitte bunts everybody over. Biggio is walked. And here comes ... Jeff Bagwell! Still alive! He knocks it into left field for a single, another run home. And the Braves are in serious trouble.
Another pitching change. And guess what? We have to leave soon. This is when you yell at us and get all angry and are completely justified.
But Lance Berkman strikes out. Morgan Ensberg could top Reggie Sanders here. Full count. Bases loaded. Biggest pitch of the game ...
Gotta go!
Naw, just kidding. Ensberg walks. Now we really do have to go, though. Astros are up 10-3. You can pretty much take it from here, right?
BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH: Man. Braves were spirited there. We went to the bathroom, and when we came back, the inning was over. Seven pitches? Hey, Atlanta ... don't you need a baserunner?
Astros 5, Braves 3
TOP OF THE SEVENTH: Pettitte weirds everybody out by leading off with a double. Biggio bunts him over; it makes us giggle to watch Pettitte run.
Willy Tavares, according to Eric Karros, "lacks the ability to get the ball out of the infield." One would think that might be important. He grounds it to short, and Pettitte stays at third. Hudson intentionally walks Berkman. Ever wonder why they use the adverb "intentionally?" When did that catch on?
Big out here. Not-A-Jew Morgan Ensberg spanks — hee — it into left, knocking in his fourth run. Here comes Bobby Cox. Don't punch any ladies on the way to the mound!
Old John Waters standby Devine is the reliever. He looks terrified. He hits a guy and goes up 2-0 on Orlando Palmeiro, who does not take steroids and does not have a mustache. Palmeiro just misses a grand slam. Braves still alive. Not that they were close to actually dying. They weren't.
Astros 5, Braves 3
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH: The last time someone got a hit in this game, our pants fit.
Watching Andruw Jones bat — Pettitte mowed the first two batters down — we're reminded that he once hit a home run in the World Series at the age of 19. He's, like, 27 now. That still freaks us out.
Terry Pendelton is still the Braves hitting coach. Anybody find that surprising? Couldn't he have moved up right now? Does he just want to be a manager? Does he like the job that much?
Hey, look, a baserunner! Jones walks. Very slowly, actually. Julio Franco moves much faster, trotting back to the dugout while looking at a called first strike.
Astros 4, Braves 3
TOP OF THE SIXTH: Sorry: We're still pretty weirded out by that whole Tim Hudson/Landing Strip thing. What's your vector, Victor?
Just to remind, as the announcers, trying to keep busy as both pitchers mow people down, bring up Kyle Farnsworth: The man loves the booze.
Another 1-2-3 inning. We're zoomin' along!
Astros 4, Braves 3.
BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH: Hey, we think we saw Johnny Estrada playing at the Copa last month; pick up a dictionary and look up "class," you'll see a picture of Johnny, baby!
Pettitte zips through 1-2-3. As opposed to 3-2-1 Contact. That's what we at Deadspin like to call a "pop culture reference."
Astros 4, Braves 3
TOP OF THE FIFTH: From a reader:
"Tim Hudson's sad little V of chin hair bears a tragic resemblance to the 'landing strip' of pubic hair sported by many a naked young woman being degraded for cash on the Internet. If Mr. Hudson has a significant other who hates that little triangle below his lip, there's her chance to get it immediately removed: No man can think the same way about his chin coiff once it's compared to something vaginal.
Oh, and he can't pitch worth a shit with it."
Yow. We feel weird saying this now, but Hudson's starting to look good; he shuts down the 'Stros 1-2-3. Landing strip. Yipes.
Astros 4, Braves 3
BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH: Stop emailing, please: We know Morgan Ensberg is not Jewish. We were joking, like the way everyone thinks David Eckstein is Jewish but isn't. Hey, we're always joking around here, making jokes, joshin', you know.
God bless Craig Biggio: He can get himself hit standing at second base; Marcus Giles just hammered him on a double. The good gnus is that this is now closer to being a game. The bad gnus is that the Tomahawk Chop is back.
Things that make us feel old: The announcer just said, "Pettitte is still pretty agile for the age of 33." Come on! He ain't 80!
Andruw "OK, Maybe Third Place In MVP Voting" jacks a two-run homer, and apparently someone at Turner Field brought air horns. One-run game.
A walk to Julio Franco, and then a nifty bunt from the spirited rookie who was on the cover of SI and whose name we totally cannot spell. Braves really need to take advantage right here.
And there you go: Jordan hits into a double play. Still.
Astros 4, Braves 3
TOP OF THE FOURTH: Brad Ausmus just doubled. Good for him! Hudson just stepped off and faked a throw to third, which made us laugh.
Biggio flies to center, and Andruw "Gold Glove?" "MVP?" Jones throws the ball about 10 feet over the catcher's head. The Braves are coasting along for another early playoff exit. Always fun.
Grounder to third ends the inning. Hurry! We have plans at seven!
Astros 4, Braves 1
BOTTOM OF THE THIRD: Andy Pettitte is cruising along. It's amazing how much more likable he is when he's not in Pinstripes, isn't it? Weird how that works.
We love how the public address announcer has to occasionally play that "Day-O!" clip just to remind the fans they're still at a game. Honestly, Atlanta fans suck. Yeah, we're talking to you! 1-2-3 again.
Astros 3, Braves 1
TOP OF THE THIRD: One-out double for Biggio. If he doesn't get hit this game, honestly, we're going to be disappointed.
Tim Hudson follows with two walks, bringing Leo Mazzone to the mound. Obvious questions: Has anyone ever thought to do a Leo Mazzone bobblehead doll?
Morgan Ensberg singles in two runs, even though it's Rosh Hashanah. All Hudson is missing right now is a big long Amish goatee. And now he just hit a guy. (With a ball.) A groundout bails him out.
Astros 3, Braves 1
BOTTOM OF THE SECOND: Julio Franco ... we really don't have anything more we can say here. The dude is jacked. When we're 47, we expect to have a good four feet of navel depth. He strikes out.
It's kind of sad to see Tim Kirkjian playing the Erin Andrews role. No offense to Erin, of course; you know what we mean. Tim could look cool in pink, though; like an old Cherry 7-Up commerical. 1-2-3. Game scooting by.
Astros 1, Braves 1
TOP OF THE SECOND: Is Orlando Palmeiro batting sixth? Remind us again why we picked these guys for the World Series? We did, however, love the music he did with Dawn.
The announcers are making a big deal about Brian Jordan starting, like it's a huge deal. ("People have been wondering, 'Will Jordan be able to move around out there?" Karros just asked. Nope. They're just gonna tie him to a stake and move him around via motor, like the bunny in a greyhound race.) He just made a nice catch in left for the first out. We will always love Brian Jordan for what he did against the Padres the last time the Cardinals played them in the playoffs. That was nine years ago. We cannot overemphasize how old that makes us feel.
Brad Ausmus grounds into a double play. We are shocked to find gambling in this establishment!
Astros 1, Braves 1
BOTTOM OF THE FIRST: Faceless, nameless lead broadcaster points out that "it's a tradition of empty seats in the postseason here." How do you not love Atlanta? Leadoff batter grounds back to Andy Pettitte. Next guy flies out. Chipper Jones — whose real name is Chipothalemew, by the way; it's Choctaw Indian — then blasts a homer over the right-field wall. We think we speak for all of America when we say, "Please don't go into extra innings." Andruw "MVP?" Jones flies out to end the frame. We like calling it a "frame." Makes us feel like A Baseball Man.
Astros 1, Braves 1
TOP OF THE FIRST: Looks like our color men are nude sunbather Steve Phillips and Eric Karros, who, from the side, kind of looks like Mickey Rourke in Sin City.
Craig Biggio — whose tribute blog Plunk Biggio is one of our favorites — singles to lead off. The Astros are already playing one run at a time; sacrifice bunt. Bill James is watching this game and thinking, "you know, if I gained another 40 pounds, I could look pretty similar to Rob Reiner." Then Berkman walks. Morgan Ensberg smacks it up the middle, and we already have a score. Bobby Cox knocks his wife against the wall in frustration. (Sorry. We're really going to try to avoid making Bobby-Cox-Used-To-Beat-His-Wife-Jokes. Gonna be tough.)
Double play ends the inning. Clang goes the trolley.
Astros 1, Braves 0