Lorde Is At Least 40 Years Old, According To My Research

Kiwi songstress Lorde claims to have been born in 1996. This would make the singer-songwriter 20 years old. Her latest video, however, presents us with an alternative set of facts. That’s right: according to my research, Lorde is 40.

Or at the very least, something close to 40. Allow me to explain.

Several years ago, the mystery of Lorde’s age was presumably settled by Jezebel’s own Emma Carmichael when she gave New Zealand $17.02 for a copy of Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O’Connor’s birth certificate. Emma did not get an actual copy of the birth certificate (suspicious), but she did get this:

A bunch of letters typed onto a page. Easily doctored, and not even remotely definitive proof. I decided to do some preliminary research.

I had my first lead.

It was time to get my hands dirty. Here, I give you exhibit A, Lorde’s new video for her song, “Green Light.”

It’s nice to see a woman her age still going out and having a good time. The ravages of age aren’t often so kind.

But Ashley, you might say. Lorde is basically a kid. She’s only 20. 

To which I offer, is this woman “basically a kid?”

Almost certainly, no.

Is this woman only 20?

No, she is not.

Okay, but how about this one?

Please, don’t insult me.

But I am admittedly biased in my determinations. I have a hypothesis, and I do in fact want to prove it. To solve this problem, I sought out a neutral party. It was time to consult Microsoft’s novelty website, How-Old.net.

First, I’d need to calibrate the results with some people whose ages I know for a fact. For instance, my colleague, Libby Watson, will be 27 in May.

The robot thinks Libby is younger.

I turned 27 last month.

The robot thinks I, too, am slightly younger.

Failed candidate for President and son Jeb Bush is 64.

The robot thinks Jeb is considerably younger.

Ted Cruz just turned 93.

The robot is flabbergasted.

In almost every case, the robot underestimates the subject’s age. In every case, it would seem, except for geriatric singer Lorde.

Take Lorde in this screencap:

Or this one:

And most damning of all, this one:

Now, if we average together the robot’s guesses along with my own, Lorde has to be at least 40.

Lorde, we love you for you. Please stop lying.

I’ve reached out to Lorde for comment, and will update as soon as I hear back. I am not getting my hopes up, though; you know how baby boomers are with computers.