Mike Cooper Avoids Jail Time; Prison Showers

The sentence has come down, once again, courtesy of our man Jimbo. Mike Cooper, he of library-masturbating fame, was found guilty, and was fined $150 plus court costs. That's it. Bail was $500,000, and the fine is $150. All is well that ends well, I suppose. Who among us hasn't paid $150 for an orgasm? Of course, in most cash-for-sexual-transactions, you'd like the orgasm to be brought about by another person, but I suppose things don't always work out that way.

What's next for Mike Cooper? Hopefully, he can parlay this whole thing into some lucrative endorsements. Perhaps for some hand cream, perhaps for an internet porn site. Maybe he could sign some sort of Roethlisberger-esque deal with Gillette, where he'll shave his famous mustache live on TV. Or perhaps Mike Cooper will just spend the rest of his days, plotting to get even with Carl Monday. It would take a hell of an effort.

Again, Jimbo deserves huge thanks for keeping on top of this for the Deadspin community.

The Mike Cooper Sentencing ... You Are There! [Deadspin]