The NFL combine isn’t intrusive enough

Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports Nihilist, where all is for naught and we are but accidental jolts of electrified meat stuck to the surface of a rock in an indifferent universe. Fuck you.

The annual NFL livestock show is underway in Indianapolis, and there are loads of man meat on the market. It’s one of the few things I can (almost) get on board with. Organizations can fully embrace that nothing matters but the objective — and that’s to find the best of the next generation of future CTE patients.

These young football players need to be subjected to the reality that their inherent value is if they can perform the task. We’re going to give you a number, put you in groups, poke you, and run you before sending you to be auctioned off and shipped to the corresponding farm. Few things are more representative of their future workplace than a bunch of execs gathered to scout them but instead talking shop while they do drills that will affect their livelihoods.

My issue with the combine is the process. It’s not thorough enough. I know the Wonderlic test was too biased for some people, and I agree, but I still think there should be some form of mental examination. Preferably related to their future career.

We need simulated traumatic injuries, uncatchable passes during route trees, late hits during running back drills, actual dick-measuring contests, and that machine from No Country for Old Men to prune the herd of weak links.

Can we bring in Jeff Fisher to mock cut a few guys? Or have Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco berate quarterbacks while they try to review plays on an iPad and talk with their offensive coordinator? I need all-out Nick Fury “Is this a test or the real thing?” training scenarios. If we really want to evaluate them, switch to live ammo like this is an audition for Spectre.

The combine is the most unapologetically insensitive job fair on the planet, and I wish more operated like it. Let’s see who can type the fastest, who gets annoyed the quickest, and what person is going to punch a hole in a wall if somebody hides his cell phone. Is it that they actually aren’t good at listening, or do they just tune everybody out after enough perceived slights?

Get a bunch of business school graduates in a room with literally any woman, and see how many fuck boys applied for that sales position. The professional world would be a lot more professional if we could weed out the malcontents before Todd drains the entire staff of a will to live with dad jokes and microwaved tuna casserole.

The more society can mirror the NFL, the better. Look at their revenue streams. They’re immune to every kind of scandal and most recessions. The only thing that matters to the NFL is the NFL, and as someone who believes that nothing matters, it’s refreshing.