Nobody does less with more than Texas

Oh, wow, look another Texas Longhorns football coach is underwhelming.

Steve Sarkisian got altercation with one of his wide receivers Wednesday, and now Joshua Moore’s future with the team is about as uncertain as his coach’s.

Sarkisian going 4-4 to start his Texas career is about as predictable as his hire. They’re underdogs against mighty Iowa State on Saturday, and if they lose, the “But we’re Texas!” outrage over their talent level not equating to college football relevance will reach hysterical levels.

And that’s before I’ve even mentioned an assistant coach’s strpper girlfriend’s pet monkey attacked a Trick or Treater. (The headline is a lot funnier than the actual story. Also, *best Walter Sobchak impression* pretty sure pet monkeys are illegal in the greater Travis County area, Dude.)

If you’re a Texas fan and don’t find this funny maybe stop reading because I’m only going to get more insufferable as this piece goes on. They got rid of Tom Herman for a guy who’s now 56-39 as a head coach. Anytime you can hire a coach who’s hovering around .500 seven seasons into his career for his recruiting prowess, you have to do it.

Don’t know why you’d hire a recruiter at a program that ranks in the Top 10 in recruiting even when they’re firing coaches at a George Steinbrenner type clip — only they’re not the Yankees. Four national titles total is pretty unimpressive when you consider their resources and self-perception.

They’re the only college program with their own TV network, and they’ve only won 10 games once in the past decade. That ratio of ineptitude-to-dedicated TV time is usually reserved for WGN and the Cubs. (Congratulations, Texas! We’ve found your MLB comp even though that historically bad franchise has had more recent success than you. The Lovable Losers!)

Every time the camera cuts to “Sark” on the sidelines, arms folded over his burnt orange vest, with that confused/disappointed look on his face, it brings me so much joy. They paid Tom Herman and his staff $24 million to go away and replaced him with a coach whose winning percentage doesn’t even show up on the college football sports reference page. (It stops at 250.)

You know when you see a hire come across the ticker, and your first reaction is “Are you fucking kidding me?” I guarantee that’s what most Texas fans thought when Sark was hired.

Obviously, my reaction was elation. Sarkisian couldn’t win at USC, got fired, went to Alabama as a coordinator, looked great because it’s Alabama and then fooled yet another team into thinking he’s the guy. It’s the Norv Turner playbook and Sark’s running it!

If Texas wants to avoid becoming No. 1 on the list of college football programs with dead money, Sark needs to start coaching like he’s Mack Brown or Darrell Royal or … I guess that’s about it.

All of these college football teams that are trying to get “back” — Miami, Nebraska, USC, Michigan — all have legitimate cases because they were once there.

But Texas? I don’t know how you get “back” if you never really were there. Having arguably the best resources in college football should put you in Ohio State, Alabama, Oklahoma and Clemson territory. And now they’re going to try to compete in the SEC?

Try winning the Big 12 first.

May the long tradition of Texas playing far worse than their fans hope and their resources indicate continue. Hook ’em, Sark!