Open Thread: Can You Write The Dumbest Story Ever About Derek Jeter?

Earlier today I suggested that Brian Lewis's New York Post piece today was the dumbest thing written about Derek Jeter.

Commenter Universal Enveloping Algebra decided to top that:

Jeter in Butt Land

the dumbest story about Derek Jeter

One day, Derek Jeter was walking around and farting in butt land. He farted so loud that like twenty people barfed, and it was super gross. Jeter laughed and said "OMG LOL noobs." Then he got his skateboard and ollied off this hot bitch's tits, and everyone clapped so hard they died.

THE END

This is very, very dumb. But can you beat it? Write the dumbest story possible about Derek Jeter, and leave it in the comments by 2 p.m. tomorrow. We'll award a prize to the author of the best one.