Patrick Peterson: Upon Second Thought, I Shall Ride The Towering Assberg 

Back in October, with his horrid Cardinals stuck at 1–6 and playing like a gigantic ass that was pooped out by an even larger ass, Pro Bowl cornerback Patrick Peterson reached the end of his rope and demanded a trade, sending word through Adam Schefter that he “desperately” wanted a change of scenery. In response, the Cardinals immediately made it clear they would not trade Peterson, and lo, they in fact did not.

The situation never much improved. The Cardinals went 2–7 the rest of the way, and finished the season with the worst record in football, the lowest-scoring offense in football, and a disgusting minus-200 point differential, the worst mark the league has seen since 2013. There’s nothing in there to suggest the Cardinals were at any point headed in a better direction, but that doesn’t mean a fellow can’t change his mind. Today, while enjoying a round of golf at the Phoenix Open, Peterson grabbed a hot microphone and announced to the crowd that he’s resolved to stick with the Cardinals:

I just want to apologize to everyone for asking for that trade in the middle of the season. I’m here to stay, baby!

So what changed his mind? The Cardinals did go out and hire quarterback-whispering dreamboat Kliff Kingsbury as their new head coach, and it sounds like Peterson enjoyed his energy and enthusiasm when the two spoke. Here’s Peterson’s announcement, and a follow-up interview where the decision and his feelings about Kingsbury are discussed:

Peterson swears this decision was made in the spur of the moment, which strongly suggests it was influenced by his nice drive onto the fairway just moments earlier. Golf can swing a person’s emotions dramatically from swing to swing, but surely the Cardinals of 2019 will do nothing to make Peterson regret this rash, hasty decision!