She's Just Not That Into You

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•In easily the biggest upset of the young year, B.J. Penn drops his title to Frankie Edgar, via unanimous decision. It's Penn's first lightweight loss since 2002. And like every piece of UFC news we've ever posted, we can run a link to Dana White, cursing out fans about it on Twitter.

•Meanwhile, in boxing, 47-year-old Evander Holyfield won the WBF heavyweight championship, with only 3,100 people in attendance. Not for nothing are we running this item right after the UFC one. Shit boxing, get it together.

•Time for your daily HeyWatch: Jason Heyward went 3-for-3 with a home run, helping the Braves hand the Giants their first loss of the season. That's okay. You don't beat Jason Heyward. You only hope to survive him.

•Steven Stamkos becomes the third youngest player in history to record 50 goals in a season. Now let's hope the pressure of "being the next Gretzky" doesn't destroy him like it did Jimmy Carson.

•Ryan Newman wins his first in 77 races, holding off Jeff Gordon at Phoenix last night. Mark Martin was looking for the repeat, but you know old people's night vision isn't so great.

(Screengrab courtesy the mad wizards over at 30fps)

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Good morning. I hope Katie Bakes didn't spoil you.