Soccer Page 315 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Finnish Soccer Announcer Blows Gasket When Team Scores, Wins Promotion
There is no sweeter song extolling the virtues of a promotion fight than this Finnish announcer's guttural screams of pure delight after FC Santa Claus scored the deciding goal, guaranteeing them a spot in the third tier next season. Quick, someone give Fox Soccer this guy's number....
Looks Like The Manchester United Traveling Circus Might Really Happen
During the latter stages of last season, there were rumors that United might partake in a tour of the Middle East and Asia during the missing midweek Champions League fixtures that otherwise would've filled the schedule and coffers. It was funny enough to mention in passing, but too outlandish to be...
This Year's Highest-Paid MLS Player Isn't Actually Playing In MLS Yet
So, what we have below is an updated list of every MLS player's salary. There are some things worth talking about. ...
Report: MLS Will Shut Down Chivas USA
Per ESPN, Chivas USA is expected to cease operations after season's end and remain dormant for a minimum of two years before coming back as a totally different club, which is a politically correct way to say they're blowing it all up and starting over. It's the nuclear option for an MLS club that se...
Wayne Rooney Gets Dumbest Red Card Ever
Manchester United are taking on West Ham today, and after captain Rooney and striker Robin van Persie goals put United up two after just 22 minutes, West Ham pulled one back eight minutes before half. In the second half, the visitors settled in and began to dominate play. We've seen this movie befor...
Mario Balotelli Does Helium Voice Trick, Still Has Spirit Of A Child
Is it too soon to delete that other post? Because Mario Balotelli's Instagram is all you need to know about soccer....
Hey, Come Over And Look At This Soccer Player's Floppy Dong Real Quick
This is FC Girondins de Bordeaux striker Thomas Touré, who was in action yesterday against AS Saint-Étienne. And this is Thomas Touré's dong....
How To Be A Soccer Fan
Towards the tail end of this past World Cup, more than a few readers emailed us looking for guidance on how to become a soccer fan. Never ones to disappoint our adoring readership, we've now obliged. Here's how we imagine that conversation would go....
Alleged Striker Fails To Score Easiest Goal Ever
Philipp Hofmann of Kaiserslautern could've done anything else with the ball here and scored. He could've barely tapped it in almost any direction and it would've gone in. He could've tripped over in his wind-up and his face would've bungled it in. His only job was not to do exactly what he did....
Watch Manchester United Fans Brawl With Guys Dressed Like Waldo
In one corner, a bunch of drunken oafs fresh off leaving a United match. In the other corner, a bunch of drunken oafs celebrating a bachelor party and wearing matching Where's Waldo? shirts and hats. It's the most England video there is. ...
The Worst Punishment For Luis Suárez Is Forcing Him To Play Teenagers
The worst part of Luis Suárez's suspension for the player himself probably hasn't been the jokes about his cannibalistic supervillain image, nor missing out on the early parts of this promising Barcelona season, nor the weekly adulation from tens of thousands of fans he used to receive whenever he s...
FIFA's Independent Investigator Wants His Corruption Report Released
FIFA hired an outside investigator to conduct a probe into allegations of bribery in the bidding process for the Russia and Qatar World Cups. That investigator, a former U.S. federal prosecutor, has finally submitted his findings to FIFA with the expectation that they would eventually be released to...
Ghanaian Soccer Star Denies Rumors He Ritually Sacrificed Rapper Friend
In the second confrontation—the first involving kicking the shit out of a journalist for inquiring on the subject—of rumors that Asamoah Gyan had his old friend, the rapper Castro, ritually sacrificed to benefit his career, the Gyan family has released a long statement denying the allegations....
What Are The Most Successful Formations In The Premier League?
Soccer formations are hard to pin down. They come in and out of fashion almost seasonally; their success will largely rest on which top teams adopt or abandon them; and there are an infinite number of permutations of each. All that said, why not poke our heads in on a broad survey of how various for...
Liverpool Defeat Middlesbrough 14-13 On Penalties
Yes, the headline is accurate. Liverpool defeated Championship side Middlesbrough 14-13 on penalties Tuesday to advance to the fourth round of the League Cup. Liverpool took leads of 1-0 and 2-1 but were pegged back twice, the second time in the 123rd minute of play after Kolo Touré's ill-advised ta...
Greek Soccer Team's Manager Gets Way Too Turnt During Press Conference
If there was one thing you could say about Gennaro Gattuso, AC Milan's and Italy's fiery former leader, it was that the man was a lock for a manager job when he retired. If there was another thing you could say, it was that said managerial career would involve numerous public blow-ups like this....
Nathaniel Clyne's Walloping 35-Yard Goal Put Southampton Up On Arsenal
This probably isn't news to most of you, but if you want to know why this site is named "Screamer," it's because of goals like this. Nathaniel Clyne belted this thing so hard the ball probably started screaming, and we were screaming while watching it fly in. Hence: Screamer....
Frank Lampard Scored A Fittingly Huge Goal Against Old Team Chelsea
The pillars of the old crew were all there. John Terry still in the captain's armband. A ponytailed Didier Drogba in his famous number 11. The boss José Mourinho, looking upon his charges sternly from the sideline, no doubt fighting back an inner smile. And Frank Lampard, a goal down, hungry to do...
Manchester United Dominate Leicester, End Up Getting Blown Out
You see that little guy up there? That's Filbert the Fox, Leicester City's mascot. Don't worry, he's feeling great. Though his club hosted the rich and famous Manchester United today, his boys managed to take down the giants. Those aren't tears of sadness, they're tears of mockery, directed at the...