Sorry Scott, We Are All Malians Now

I too felt a twinge of something almost like patriotism when I read of the latest attempt to burgle America of its greatness carried out by a shockingly brazen African thug. Then I remembered the thug in the White House.

And clung to my guns and my crucifix. And then, my birth certificate.

And my collectible gold coins.

To any other Administration I'd be inclined to agree with my fellow Real American and military hero Scott Beauchamp, who is calling for war with Mali. To any other president, I'd say, go for the Falklands Effect! Send some SEALs down to Panama, bomb the Chinese embassy if it'll put the spring back in your approval ratings, it's been a tough year!

But who can forget, this isn't any other Administration we're talking about. It's the kleptocrat tin pot regime of Barack Hussein Obama, a man wants to raise your taxes back to the Carter Administration, spread your wealth all over the south side of Chicago and leave ACORN to administer your mother's chemotherapy.

In any other year, I'd be cheering for America to once again set an example to the lesser nations by standing up to the petty tyrants like Koman Coulibaly, and send a message to all the would-be pirates of victoriousness that Americans do not stand idly by while cretins openly flout the laws of international justice and hijack their sports victories.

But this year is different. This year, the only example we can hope to share with the wold is a cautionary tale of what happens when a once-great empire turns into a welfare state — and gives people on welfare the right to vote. This year, the only way to say "let's roll" is to roll over.

Maureen "Sleepy Eyes" Tkacik hopes she is still only the second most reviled person on Deadspin today.