Sporting KC Wins U.S. Open Cup In Shootout Described As "More Dramatic Than Tyler Perry Or Shakespeare"

That GolTV still exists is a miracle in itself; the soccer cable net recently lost its cash cow Spanish Liga contract to Al-Jazeera's new beIN Sports channel. It also lost popular analyst Ray Hudson, he of the orgasmic goal calls, which means GolTV's George D. Metellus served in the color commentary role for last night's broadcast of the Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup final between Sporting KC and Seattle Sounders.

After a late equalizer in regular time and a scoreless extra time, the spectre of penalty kicks loomed over the stadium. How dramatic would PKs be in a cup final? Metellus informs us that Tyler Perry or Shakespeare couldn't write something so dramatic. OK.

For his part, Metellus has attempted to explain himself on Twitter, and has dealt pretty well with all the soccer fans telling him "you suck." As for the accuracy of his statement? Seattle blew three of the PKs and did about as good a job of portraying a professional soccer team as Perry does an angry old fat woman. (They also allowed Sporting KC an extra PK when keeper Michael Gspurning was busted for coming off his line early.) Sporting KC took the 3-2 win and finally got to Paint The Wall.