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Please Don't Give This Tiny Ron Washington Cocaine For Halloween
Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day....

Your "Not Cowboys-Niners" Rangers-Giants Open Thread
Lee/Lincecum is yet another matchup of aces. Maybe this one will produce the 20 innings of scoreless ball that assorted Halladay/Sabathia/Price/Liriano matchups failed at. This Rangers fan who quit his job to watch the series is hoping so. Musings in comments, please....

The Ol' "Run Over The Ref After Getting Ejected" Trick Fails Once Again
We've all been there before: kicked out of an amateur soccer game and so pissed off at the ref we hop in our car, drive onto the field, and try to run that bastard down. Wait, no, that's insane....

Heat Strokes, Game 1: Should This Diary Be What You Want It To Be?
FreeDarko's Bethlehem Shoals, a regular contributor to NBA FanHouse and co-author of The Undisputed Guide to Pro Basketball History (visit the FreeDarko store, too!), is keeping a game-by-game diary of the Heat's season — the one you're pretending not to care about....

The Nerdiest Thing You'll Ever See
This is...this is just excellent. And keep in mind, Deadspin commentariat: this is how the rest of the world sees you....

This JaMarcus Russell Interview Is Soul-Crushing
Every morning, the fine folks at Sports Radio Interviews sift through the a.m. drive-time chatter to bring you the best interviews with coaches, players, and personalities across the sports landscape. Today: ex-Raider and substance abuser JaMarcus Russell....

Grow Up and Drink Something Fancy, Manly
You've moved out of Mom's basement, so it's time to order something at the bar that doesn't come in size "yard." Try a Rusty Nail. It's fancy and manly, and an 18th-century rebel prince ran from England to Scotland with the recipe for Drambuie in his knickers—all so you could enjoy this very cocktai...

Silencing Joe Buck And Tim McCarver: A Simple Tech Solution To Our Crappy World Series Announcers
Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, Fox's World Series broadcast team, will begin inflicting themselves on a national television audience tonight. Thankfully, technology offers recourse that doesn't involve throwing something heavy at the TV: just synch up the broadcast with radio commentary....

The Result Of A Skate To The Neck Is Quite Frankensteiny
Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day....

Your "Ah, Hell, Let's Just Root For The Comet" NBA Heat-Celtics Open Thread
The NBA season kicks off tonight. It was quite an offseason, but Juwan Howard's title quest begins in earnest tonight. Comment along as you watch and talk about the other games, too....

Helmet-To-Helmet Hits Are Even More Excruciating With Children Involved
Click to view All the recent talk about football and player health has centered on the NFL and college ranks. This video—origins unknown—is proof that football's safety issues begin even earlier. Step one? Maybe not have the kids do the Oklahoma drill. [Guyism]...

How Much Would It Take For You To Be A Cannibal?
Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Today, we're covering hotel dining cart theft, train tracks, squirrel fighting, and more....

Elaborate Goal Celebration Sees Your Sharpie And Raises You A Compact Car
Antoine Griezmann of Real Sociedad may be an up-and-coming French soccer star, but that doesn't excuse this ridiculous celebration after his header put the White and Blue up two-nil on Deportivo. Act like you've been there before, young man. [Hot Clicks]...

Chad Ochocinco's Pregnant Pigeon Saga Was A Bald-Faced Lie
This...this is pretty much the most blatant betrayal in the history of sports. We've all watched, rapt, as Ochocinco's pregnant pigeon escaped, returned, and finally gave birth. But we were all hoodwinked by Chad's dastardly deception. J'accuse!...

Jon Gruden Once Again Drawing Abstract Penises On Nation's Television Screens
Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day....

Philadelphia Inquirer Writer Compares Phillies Loss To 1906 San Francisco Earthquake
"When it was over, the town was a charred, smoldering mess—a blackened patch of scorched earth that left the survivors shocked and shattered as they tried to figure out what happened and how to move forward."...

Kobe Bryant Is Going To Be The Next Brett Favre
Every morning, the fine folks at Sports Radio Interviews sift through the a.m. drive-time chatter to bring you the best interviews with coaches, players, and personalities across the sports landscape. Today: Kobe Bryant....

Philadelphia's Poop Revenge Thwarted
According to The Mighty Dan Gross, a table of women asked a server to put laxatives in the food of a handful of Giants who were dining out in Philly Friday night. Perhaps it was the home team who could have used a case of the runs....

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We're giving away a 16GB Wi-Fi iPad to one lucky newsletter subscriber! Don't subscribe? Enter your email address below to get one great story a day in your inbox. Don't worry, we hate spam as much as you do....

Play <em>Madden 11</em> In 3D, With Only A Pair Of Those Stupid Glasses And A Bag Of Chips
Getting beaten by an 11-year-old while he flings racial and homophobic taunts is annoying enough. Now there's a faster way to get a headache from playing Madden 11: 3D!...