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When You Jerk It Out

The things that sneak through at the end of 56-3 football games:...

USC Fakes Out Everyone With Genius Decoy Punt Return

Michael Pittman Jr. went 72 yards for a punt return touchdown on a play that faked out UCLA and ABC/ESPN’s camera operator as nearly every Bruin bit on a decoy punt return that opened the scoring in tonight’s battle of L.A. ...

That's College Football

You're Playing Kansas, Dipshit

Baker Mayfield is an excellent football player. He also seems to enjoy grabbing his dick and telling hapless Kansas players to go fuck themselves:...

The NBA's One-And-Done Draft Rule Is Just Dumb Enough To Allow One More Prep-To-Pro Star

ESPN reported this week that Adam Silver and Michele Roberts are more open than ever to changing the NBA’s draft eligibility rules, which currently require American high school players to be a year removed from the graduation of their high school class by the time of the draft in order to be eligibl...

Dolphins Waive Rey Maualuga Following Battery Charge

Dolphins linebacker Rey Maualuga was reportedly arrested early Saturday morning and charged with battery after an incident at a Miami club, per reports:...

Is Will Grier Flipping You The Bird, Or Is There Something Terribly Wrong With His Finger

Will Grier, quarterback for the West Virginia Mountaineers, had something go very urgently wrong with the middle finger on his throwing hand in the first half of today’s tilt against Texas:...

LaVar Ball Burns President Trump For Supposed Intervention In China

LiAngelo Ball and two other UCLA freshmen shoplifted some expensive sunglasses while in Hangzhou, and were arrested for it. From the looks of things, the Chinese government elected not to take the dipshit theft of a few dipshit college athletes very seriously, and so the young dipshit perpetrators w...

Great Googly Moogly, The Nuggets Can Sure Fill It Up

Entering last night’s game the Denver Nuggets ranked a disappointing 14th in offensive rating on the season. They finished last season fifth in offense, at 110 points per 100 possessions; from December 15 onward—the day they moved Nikola Jokic into the starting lineup as a center—that number was 113...

Lonzo Ball's General Passivity Extends Even To Helping A Teammate In A Fight

In last night’s loss to the Phoenix Suns, Lakers guard Kentavious Caldwell-Pope got a little territorial with Tyler Ulis of the Suns, and a brouhaha ensued. Not a fight, but certainly an altercation. As NBA “fights” go, this was more intense and physical than the LeBron-Enes Kanter conflict, but cer...

All Of Roger Goodell's Dick-Swinging Did The Players A Favor

Again, there are many, many delicious morsels to chew on in Don Van Natta’s and Seth Wickersham’s latest smorgasbord of NFL insider delights for ESPN The Magazine. But let’s take the revelation that many owners—most especially Jerry Jones—are increasingly unhappy with the shadow bureaucracy Roger Go...

Report: NFL Is Investigating Jameis Winston After Uber Driver Said He Groped Her [Update]

According to a report from BuzzFeed News, the NFL is looking into an Uber driver’s claims that Bucs quarterback Jameis Winston grabbed her crotch while in her car in March 2016. BuzzFeed reports that NFL investigator Lisa Friel, most recently seen at the center of the Ezekiel Elliott case, sent a le...

The Celtics Were Everywhere

After last night’s 92-88 win over the Warriors, the Celtics’ defensive rating is a suffocating 97.2. The last time we saw this team approach this level of defensive dominance was during the reign of the Big Three, when Boston won the 2007-08 championship with a defensive rating of 98.9....

Jaylen Brown Helps Carry Celtics Over Warriors With Emotional Win After Death Of His Best Friend

Jaylen Brown helped lead the Celtics to a come-from-behind win over the Warriors tonight, the day after the death of his best friend. After he led the team in scoring with a 22-point effort, he gave an emotional press conference about deciding to play after the shock of learning last night that Trev...

South Carolina Women's Basketball Team Declines White House Invite To "Focus On The Season Ahead"

The South Carolina women’s basketball team, last season’s champions, have declined an invitation to visit the White House tomorrow due to what coach Dawn Staley described as a scheduling conflict and a desire to focus on their current play:...

Jerry Jones, NFL Owners Continue Vaguely Flexing Their Muscles At Each Other

We’re now a few weeks into Jerry Jones’s crusade to teach Roger Goodell a lesson about the limits of his power and, at this point in the exercise, that amounts to an aggrieved Jones staring across a bargaining table at a group of NFL owners who are getting progressively more fed up with his shit. Th...

Boogie Cousins And The Pelicans Might Be Good, Definitely Are Great

DeMarcus Cousins is seven feet tall. He weighs, conservatively, 275 pounds. Here he is, doing pretty much all of the basketball stuff, in a single glorious ramshackle possession:...

The NFL Can't Stick To Sports And It's All The NFL's Fault<em></em>

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here....

Jared Goff's Audibles Include "Ric Flair" And "Tupac"

Rams QB Jared Goff was mic’d up during the team’s 33-7 win over the Houston Texans on Sunday, which allowed everyone to learn some of L.A.’s audibles. Head coach Sean McVay and his coaches seem to have chosen a celebrity-heavy assortment. Here they are, courtesy of USA Today’s Cameron DaSilva:...