burn Page 35 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Tree-Poisoner Harvey Updyke Will Spend Six Months In Jail And Five Years On Probation

Harvey Updyke, the Alabama football fan that, in 2010, poisoned two oak trees that figure prominently in Auburn athletic traditions, and then essentially confessed to the act (a Class-C felony in Alabama) unbidden on Paul Finebaum's radio show, accepted a plea deal on Friday. While Updyke will get c...

Tonight's <em>Jeopardy!</em> Tournament Of Champions Game Winner Celebrated With D-Generation X's "Suck It" Move

Colby Burnett earned his way to Jeopardy's Tournament Of Champions by winning the Teacher's Tournament aired back in November, and in tonight's first final game he cruised to a big victory by being the only contestant to provide the correct response....

A British Soccer Player Left A Contract Negotiation To Get A Snack And Signed With A Different Team While He Was Gone

Unlike Tommy Tuberville, who left a meal and screwed over his recruits by signing with another organization, DJ Campbell left a contract negotiation for a meal and screwed over his bosses by a signing with another organization. Even shrewder and, considering who he was pissing off, ballsier too. Cam...

Wes Welker's Wife Took To Facebook To Say Some Unkind Things About Ray Lewis [Update]

After watching her husband's team lose the AFC Championship game, Anna Burns Welker, wife of Patriots wide receiver Wes Welker, decided that it would be a good idea to comment on the game via her Facebook page. Anna Welker began her message by offering support to her husband and his team, which is ...

The Dallas Stars Showed An Empty Chair On The Jumbotron, Identified It As "Manti Te'o's Girlfriend"

Like SNL, half of minor league baseball, and Mets GM Sandy Alderson, the Dallas Stars had some fun with the Manti Te'o story yesterday. During their home-opener (a 4-3 win over the Phoenix Coyotes) the stadium's jumbotron operators spotted an empty seat and, in a mash-up of old Clint Eastwood empty-...

Jason Babin Blasts The Eagles And Their "Socialistic System"

Before the 2011 season, the Eagles brought in Jim Washburn and then Jason Babin—who's only ever thrived in Washburn's 4-3. It worked well for a year, when Babin recorded a team-record 18 sacks. Like everything else defensive-related in Philly this year though, the D-line play has gone to shit. The E...

Forbes's 2012 List Of The Most Valuable Teams In College Football Reads A Lot Like The 1936 AP Poll

Forbes's latest best guess at the most valuable college football programs is out, and if you're a Texas fan, congratulations: Your slavering devotion to the Death Star of the Big 12 has paid off once again. You're number one! Granted, you're in the "also receiving votes" category in the AP's poll of...

"Dese Coaches Run A Train On Arkansas State": A Player Ponders Gus Malzahn's Departure

We're almost reluctant to out a certain Don Jones II as a master of Twitter, because we all know that s̶t̶u̶d̶e̶n̶t̶s̶ athletes who exhibit true voice on social media scare the thin liquid shits out of university athletics officials. But what the hell....

Five-Star Recruit Decommits From Auburn University, Even Though He Got An Auburn Tattoo This Summer [UPDATE]

Linebacker Reuben Foster is the top high school prospect at his position, and one of the best in the country. This summer, he had already rescinded his verbal commitment to the University of Alabama and committed to Auburn University thanks to some recruiting by assistant coach Trooper Taylor—the e...

Gus Malzahn will be Auburn's head football coach. Let's all watch that crazypants interview his wife did last year....

Philadelphia Eagles' Line Coaches Jim Washburn And Howard Mudd Were Apparently Dicks To Everyone

After suffering their eighth straight loss last night, the Philadelphia Eagles tossed defensive line coach Jim Washburn. Washburn was brought in only for his "Wide 9" scheme—hell, they signed the now-crazypants Jason Babin just to help the formation succeed—but since Babin's gone and Andy Reid need...

Alabama Barely Beats Georgia For SEC Title, Right To Demolish Irish In National Title Game

Your national title game will be SEC semifinal champion Alabama against Notre Dame, which in a just alternate universe just got piss-pounded by Ohio State in the Big Ten title game and ceded its title game slot to Florida. In this universe, though, Notre Dame spent the afternoon licking its chops as...

Say This For Newly Former Arkansas Head Coach John L. Smith: He Screwed Only Himself, Never The Help

The University of Arkansas will not be renewing the contract of interim coach John L. Smith, the university announced today, confirming what everyone and his sister knew the minute then-No. 8 Arkansas lost in Little Rock to Louisiana-Monroe on Sept. 8. Smith's team cliff-dove out of the polls, then ...

Deshazor Everett's Name And His Interception To Beat Alabama Are Equally Fantastic

As subplots go, the Alabama-Texas A&M game had an unexpected one from the end of the first quarter through the tense final minute: an errant extra point. Up until the decisive few seconds, when a Bama penalty on an Aggies punt killed the dregs of game clock, there lingered the question of whether...

Auburn Has A Private Security Firm Enforcing Players' Nightly Curfews

College football players are men. They're at least 18, so they can vote, they can serve in the armed forces, they can smoke, and they can roam the streets of America until all hours, doing whatever it is college kids do, so long as they don't do anything illegal. But not at Auburn, where the program...

This Week's Signs Of The Apocalypse

For nearly two decades, Sports Illustrated has stirred the tea leaves to discern a weekly Sign of the Apocalypse. Deadspin salutes the magazine's ongoing effort to cover the end of times but declines to cede the scoop on the biggest event in world history....

Gene Chizik's Wife Went A Little Crazy On Facebook Yesterday

It's been a rough year for Gene Chizik's Auburn team, but things are about to turn around in a big way if Chizik's wife has anything to say about it. Yesterday, Jonna Chizik took to Facebook and posted the following inspirational(?) screed:...

College ShameDay: Who Embarrassed Themselves On Saturday (Besides Auburn; Auburn Is Just The Worst)?

Our weekly college football shame index. ...

Auburn Wrests Title Of "Team Everyone Wants To Play" From Arkansas

Arkansas beat Auburn today, which in itself wouldn't be so strange except that as recently as this morning it was reasonable to ask whether Arkansas would ever win another game, ever, ever. The Hogs were a preseason top-10 team that lost f̶i̶v̶e̶ four games—in September. If someone was to cushion th...

Here's Chris Kluwe Explaining Why He Wrote Today's Response To An Anti-Gay Marriage Politician

Earlier today, we published a letter from Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe to a Maryland legislator who tried to use his position of influence to silence Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, who has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage....