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How To Roast Mushrooms: A Guide For Reformed Fraidycats
An opinion common to the children of America is that mushrooms are bad. They express this viewpoint with crinkled little noses and furrowed brows, picking mushrooms out of their food with chubby little fingers. "I don't wike these," they say. "They'we gwoss."...
Hey, Make Baked Ziti Today, Willya?
Hi friends! I'm off this weekend, so instead of a new Foodspin, down below you'll find the one we did a while back about baked ziti. This baked ziti is sooooooo good, full of cheese and meat and happiness, and this is a good time of year to make it. Please make it....
How To Make Fried Mozzarella, Instead Of Getting It At A Crummy Bar
It's a perverse testament to fried mozzarella's greatness that even in its shittiest incarnations, even when it's just battered and deep-fried sticks of rubbery Polly-O string cheese prepared and served at your local dire corporate chain eatery with all the care and enthusiasm of a wino tumbling d...
How To Braise A Big Chuck Roast, And Stave Off Scurvy, For Now
Living the life of a regular person—teetering indefinitely on the edge of total destitution, that is to say—you get familiar with the tension between the limits of your financial wherewithal and the ugh like totally selfish desire to not just eat pasta and plain rice and cereal all the time and get...
How To Make Roast Pork Tenderloin, The X-Rated Cut Of Meat
There's simply no way around it: The pork tenderloin is weird-lookin'. It's shaped—well, dammit, it's shaped like a big ol' penis. You unwrap it from the butcher paper and you step back and you go, damn, man, this pork tenderloin looks like a dong. Can I manipulate this giant dong? This seems ...
How To Make Chili, Instead Of Just Arguing About It All The Damn Time
Summer is over, pretty definitively: The mornings are cold and crisp and the leaves are beginning to change colors and the soupy yellow humidity-haze is gone from the air and there's Halloween shit on display in the grocery stores and, uh, like, also literally?—summer is actually over. It's autum...
How To Make Pasta With Leeks And Prosciutto, While There's Still Time
Oh shit, dinner is still A Thing. It exists. Disaster. This is you, creeping incrementally homeward in the transportation gridlock of your locale and mode of transit, flop-sweaty and wild-eyed like John Lithgow on the airplane, doing a frantic mental inventory of the nigh-barren refrigerator wa...
How To Make A Baked Egg--Yes, Goddammit, A <em>Baked</em> Egg
You say "baked egg" and people look at you like they're concerned for your wellbeing and go, "... baked egg?" And you go, "Yeah, y'know, like a shirred egg, only more Italian," and they go, "What in the damn hell is a 'shirred egg'?" And then you say, "Oh, goddammit, now I'm gonna have to write ...
How To Make Creamy Polenta, Which Puts The "Gruel" Back In "Grueling"
There's no way around it: Making real, from-scratch creamy polenta is a pain in the ass. Right from the jump: You have to find the right kind of cornmeal, and it's annoying; then you have to cook it for a long time, and that is also annoying; and god, what if you fuck it up, after all that, won't...
How To Grill A Skirt Steak, A Mere 11 Minutes Of Worthwhile Labor
Grilling skirt steak is the easiest, fastest way to get steak into multiple people at the same time. This makes it well suited to Labor Day's two traditions: the notion of a holiday from work, and the often contradictory practice of throwing a big exciting cookout on this day when you're supposed...
How To Make Fried Calamari, The Classiest Of Fried Foods
The question is: Why make fried calamari for yourself, when you can get it at virtually any restaurant in the Western world, from the swankest of haute cuisine food temples to the Guy Fieri-est Ameridude chain crapholes, and it's no worse than pretty decent in all of them?...
How To Cook Pork Belly, Which Thoroughly Kicks Bacon's Ass
Albert Burneko is off. Your guest Foodspinner is pudding defender and friend of the program Miserable Shitehawk....
How To Make Hushpuppies, Which Are Man's Second-Best Friend
You may already know one of the many (likely apocryphal) hushpuppy origin stories, in some form or another. A familiar one has an old-timey Deep South cook (possibly a slave, depending on the storyteller's willingness to acknowledge the foundational crime of American history) preparing food for som...
How To Make Clam Chowder Like Real Fackin' New Englandahs Do, Maybe
There is a reason why every run-down, disreputable, reeking, inexplicably charming fish joint in North America serves New England-style clam chowder, and that's that New England-style clam chowder is goddamn delicious. Also, there are two other reasons....
How To Make Chicken Salad The Star Of The Show, For Once
Your whole life, chicken salad has been there for you. When you had leftover chicken, drying out in the refrigerator, and no appetite for it, ol' chicken salad was there to make it interesting and appetizing again. Ol' reliable. Silent and steady and dependable. A closer....
How To Ditch The Pillsbury Dough-Log And Make Your Own Cookies
Ah, the chocolate-chip cookie. Many a confectionery addiction kicked off the moment an impressionable youngster watched a vulgar blue puppet shovel platefuls of these things into his gaping, vacant mouth-hole. This obsession probably also explains why the Sexy Cookie Monster costume exists. (Relate...
How To Grill Vegetables, And Make The Most Of Those Hot Coals
Albert Burneko is off. Your guest Foodspinner is friend of the program and Drynuary evangelist John Ore....
How To Make Seafood Paella, Whether It's Traditional Or Not
Picture the scene! An early summer evening in Valencia, Spain, in the mid-19th century; an aromatic open fire of orange and pine branches, and pine cones, crackles happily in an orchard clearing. A wide, flat pan, enormous, two feet across, sits suspended over the flames. The men, their olde-thy...
How To Make Macaroni Salad, The Very Least You Can Do
"Hey guys, we're having a [variety of outdoor cookout-y shindig] on [date] at [place], and we'd love for you to come! We'll have beer and [variety of greasy meat], and [dude] has agreed to whip up a batch of his famous [really fatty and gross but also kind of delicious side, probably with little ...
How To Make Pancakes, A Marvel Of Labor And Science
The pancake—the notion of the pancake as a breakfast food—comes to us from an older time, a slower time, a time before boxed cereal. A time when your breakfast choices included grinding wheat into flour, mixing it with liquid, and cooking it, or else just chewing on some un-ground wheat like an ass...