EPL Page 6 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
It's Now Or Never For Eden Hazard
Right now, Eden Hazard resides in perplexing plane of existence all his own. The boundaries of this plane are fuzzy and indefinite, but the simplest way to prove its unmistakable presence might be to consider the following question: Has Hazard been a disappointment?...
Lucas Moura Cooking Chris Smalling Is A Metaphor For Tottenham's Spanking Of Man United
It takes a firm lashing of José Mourinho’s asscheeks to get him to walk into a press conference and opine about international humanitarian crises before storming out of the room while doing an unironic Birdman impression, and that’s exactly what Tottenham administered to Mourinho’s Manchester United...
Adama Traoré, The King Of Dribbles, Is Just Getting Started
The new European soccer season has only just begun and we’ve already seen Adama Traoré strengthen his claim on the “best dribbler in the world” crown....
Paul Pogba's Agent Shit-Talks Man United Legend, And Things Are Looking Bad
Following Manchester United for the couple years, it’s hard to combat the sense that Paul Pogba isn’t very happy at the club right now. But for as up-and-down as his return to England has been, it seems like right now—with his manager criticizing him and the team playing poorly and unadventurously a...
Only José Mourinho Can Save Manchester United From Himself
If he weren’t such a hemorrhoidal asshole, you could be inclined to feel somewhat sorry for José Mourinho....
Liverpool's Low-Key Smashing Of West Ham Was A Statement Of Intent
The first game of a season that for the first time in forever feels like it might end with the long-awaited Premier League title. A match against, on paper, one of the strongest teams in the division. A home opener in what is probably the most raucous stadium in the country. A chance to put together...
Paul Pogba's Weirdo Penalty Is The First Premier League Goal Of The Season
At the start of a game that probably shouldn’t be played right now (I mean really, the World Cup ended less than a month ago for chrissakes, don’t these guys deserve some rest?), a player that probably shouldn’t be playing (Paul Pogba had a big role in that World Cup right up till the end, you might...
The Best Dribbler In The World Is Back In The Premier League
The best, most unstoppable dribbler in world soccer will be playing in the Premier League this season. Though it’s probably not the player you think....
This Could Be A Very Bad Season For Chelsea
Recent history tells us that 2018-19 is going to be a good year for Chelsea. Over the past four seasons, the Blues have see-sawed back and forth between amazing, Premier League–winning seasons and disastrously disappointing years in which unmotivated players coast through 38 games. With a fifth-plac...
Everton Really Fucked Up This Fifth-Division Team, 22-0
Everton decided to take on a fifth-division Austrian team, ATV Irdning, ostensibly because they were the closest 11 sentient beings in the area. The offseason friendly took place in Austria, where Everton have a training ground in picturesque Bad Mitterndorf, a few miles up the road from the home...
Liverpool Are Just Getting Started
It’s been a few days since Liverpool’s loss to Real Madrid in the Champions League final, and hopefully in that time fans of the Reds have managed to put the pain of the result in proper perspective. Yes, it sucks to see a magical season like that end in such heartrending fashion, but make no mistak...
Arsenal Have A New Manager, But Still Don't Seem To Know Who They Want To Be
Arsenal have been in the midst of an identity crisis for some time now. Once it became clear that the club’s iconic, long-serving manager Arsène Wenger had seen his once-adamantine grasp on the levers of success steadily loosen over the years—a slackening some overly unsympathetic spectators might s...
Eden Hazard Is Too Good For Chelsea
Chelsea beat Manchester United in the F.A. Cup final this weekend in a match that was bad for connoisseurs of sumptuous soccer but good for haters of José Mourinho and for fans of Eden Hazard. That last aspect of the game’s outcome is a positive not only because it’s always cool to see a great and f...
The Ballon d'Or Is Stupid, But Mohamed Salah Deserves To Win It Anyway
If there’s any justice in the world, Mohamed Salah will be rewarded for his jaw-dropping, record-making, goal-packed, unforgettably great season with the highest individual award in the land, the Ballon d’Or....
Manchester City's Title Run Ends With A Wet Fart
As the determiner of an ultimate champion, the soccer system is great. The table never lies and every match matters and you always know that, come the end of the long, grueling season, the team that stacked up the most points will hoist the trophy above their heads in front of their adoring fans wit...
Harry Kane's Baby Daughter Officially Safe After Premier League Gifts Her Dad A Free Goal
All the best strikers are maniacally obsessed with scoring goals. Everyone knows about this single-mindedness, and yet it can still be a little jarring to hear just how deep this drive goes. Like this weekend, when Harry Kane made his case that he’d gotten a touch on a goal that had been credited to...
Manchester City Hit A Few Bumps On The Road To Immortality
By any conceivable criteria, this year’s Manchester City bunch should go down as one of the greatest Premier League teams of all time. In the face of the deepest, richest, savviest array of clubs from top to bottom in league history, as one member of a staggeringly competitive cadre of six superteam...
Soccer Fans Are Back To Hurling Yellow, Banana-Shaped Objects At Black Players [UPDATE]
A fan in Manchester threw a yellow, banana-shaped object onto the pitch early in today’s City-United derby either at Man City’s Raheem Sterling or United’s Ashley Young, both of whom are black....
Feast Your Eyes On These Photos Of Enraged Chelsea Fans Flipping Off Dele Alli
Dele Alli scored twice in Tottenham’s 3-1 victory over Chelsea this weekend. His first goal was a beaut, but as Chris Applegate noted on Twitter, even more gorgeous than the goal itself were the photos, featuring the home Chelsea crowd’s reaction. So many scowls. So many impolite hand gestures. Trul...
Tottenham Apologize For Survey Asking Fans Whether "A Woman's Place Is In The Home"
Real Madrid farm team Tottenham Hotspur have an important question to ask their fans: Is a woman’s place in the home???...