funbag Page 25 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Jesus, Adderall, Heavy Metal Sex, And Marshmallows
My wife went to pick up my kid from school yesterday. Beforehand, she told me they were going to stay a little extra long to hang out at the playground. I, of course, didn't hear any of that because I was too busy playing in front of 150,000 at Castle Donington in my brain. MASTER! MASTER! MASTER OF...
Ghosts, Dessert Carts, And Cancer Porn
I've been losing weight recently, and one of the joys of losing weight is overemphasizing my own awe at my body's transformation. "Why are my pants so loose? Why am I not sweating in my sleep? I feel stronger. More agile. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY BODY?" I'm not saying I'm becoming Spiderman, but I wou...
Near-Death Experiences, Deodorant, And Eggert’s Shymen
Before we get down to business, I must note that the bottom of this post contains video of the money scene from "Blown Away," which is NSFW, but well worth you risking instant unemployment. Now, to your letters....
Snackbots, Astrobating, And Magic Condiment Fingers
I have a question for all the commenters out there: Would you star in a porn film if someone asked you? A real porn film that gets posted on the Internet and everywhere else. You get paid. Like say, two hundred bucks. And you get to have sex with a top tier porn star, like Lisa Ann or someone like t...
Manwhores, Gays, And Pantomimed Couch Lifting
The Oscars are on Sunday, which means it's time for me to spend the week processing any number of scenarios in which I am involved in the ceremony. I watch the stupid Oscars every year, and they grow more insufferable on an annual basis. Yet that will never stop me from daydreaming of the day I get ...
Wizards, Donuts, Knives, And Cannibalistic Fruits
Boner from Growing Pains committed suicide last week, and that left me sad. More important, it made me remember that I used to watch that show religiously, and spent a great deal of my childhood imaging that I was Mike Seaver. There was one episode where Carol brings home some new friend: a smoking ...
Sexbots, Virginity, And A Heartwarming Joe Biden Poop Story
I have a serious recurring problem. Once a month or so, I will walk into a door before I have opened it. I go to a door, I grab the knob, and I begin pushing the door in before I have begun twisting the knob. Sometimes, I'll give the door full-on shoulder check before I have to back off, twist the k...
Birth, Peanut Butter, And Assorted Condiments
My kid has become obsessed with flashlights, which makes sense because I've NEVER stopped enjoying playing with flashlights. Seriously, flashlights are awesome. You can shine them directly in people's eyes. You can point them at the wall and shake them to make cool patterns. LOOK! A CIRCLE OF LIGHT!...
Subway Fantasies, Fire, Sex Dolls, And Ingrown Hairs
I was watching "Archer" the other night and they had Archer's mom stranded on a shitty fishing boat that was named CHUM GUZZLER. That's a fucking win. Onto the letters....
The Deadspin Mailbag: Now Twice A Week
A bit of news before we get to the letters today. First off, I'm rechristening the Deadspin mailbag the Deadspin Funbag. It makes sense for what we do here. Secondly, you don't want funbags unless they come in pairs. That goes without saying. So I'm expanding the mailbag to twice a week. Not splitti...