go Page 333 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Elizabeth Swaney's Dad Is Proud Of Her
Through hard work and a series of gaping loopholes, Elizabeth Swaney managed to qualify for the Hungarian Olympic ski team despite having little skiing ability. When she coasted down the half pipe earlier this week and did no tricks, confused people everywhere hailed her as either the grifter of all...
Olympic Ski Racer Taken Away On Stretcher After Nasty Crash
Canadian ski cross racer Chris Del Bosco fought gravity and lost during a qualifying heat, losing control at the worst moment and catapulting some 30 feet down the course and landing hard on his right side....
Scott Moir Says He Respects Ice Dancing Too Much To Fuck
Here is a brief video of Scott Moir speaking at a press conference. Moir and his skating partner Tessa Virtue are two-time Olympic gold medalists in ice dancing. Moir has said that they’re retiring after these Olympics—“I think it’s a nice end to our Olympic career”—but they also “retired” after Soc...
This Is A Truly Dreadful Curling Shot
It does not take a curling genius (or, barring that, just a regular old Canadian citizen) to figure out that Japanese skip Yusuke Morozumi really boinked this one against Denmark....
Bode Miller Is The Worst Sports Commentator Who Ever Lived
Here is my impression of Bode Miller, alpine skiing analyst for NBC’s Winter Olympics coverage, watching Neil Armstrong take humankind’s first step onto the surface of the Moon:...
American Women Just Won Their First-Ever Cross Country Medal
Jessie Diggins started the final lap in third place in the women’s cross country team sprint event—and finished it .19 seconds ahead of the second-place Swedish skier. The gold medal she and teammate Kikkan Randall won was America’s first ever podium finish in women’s cross country skiing....
Czech Republic's Shootout Win Sends The U.S. Men Home
A shootout win by the Czech Republic broke a 2-2 tie in the men’s hockey quarterfinals and knocked Team USA out of the Olympics. Goaltender Pavel Francouz was the hero, stopping all five U.S. attempts, while Petr Koukal got the lone shootout goal against American goalie Ryan Zapolski....
For Deep Insight Into The True Nature Of The Virtue-Moir Relationship, Watch Them Be Forced To Watch A Montage Of Their Life Together<em></em>
Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, the greatest ice dancers of all-time, spent the Olympics erotically wiggling together on the ice and winning the gold medal with a world-record score before denying that any sort of fucking was going on. There’s a certain, um, electricity to their interactions, even if t...
Elizabeth Swaney's Multi-Sport Journey To Pyeongchang
Hungarian (sort-of) skier Elizabeth Swaney is now infamous around the world, after her big turn at the Olympics involved her just sort of sliding down the ski halfpipe and getting a cumulative three feet or so of air. She finished dead last of the 24 competitors by a comfortable margin, but that doe...
Elise Christie's Olympics Were Another Nightmare<em></em>
Last week, British short track speed skater Elise Christie crashed out of the 500m race and finished fourth in an event she holds the world record, adding another disappointing finish to an Olympic career that’s been waylaid by an avalanche of bad luck. Christie was distraught after her fourth strai...
Are Virtue And Moir Fucking Or What?<em></em>
Last night, we all watched Canadian ice dancers Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir win gold by having simulated skate sex in front of god and NBC and everyone, and now we’re all pregnant, and I can’t believe what everyone is trying to tell me: that they’re not actually boning. Come the fuck on; I have eyes...
Ways The IOC Has Dodged Doping Questions, Ranked
PYEONGCHANG, South Korea—The big story coming into Pyeongchang was the IOC’s sanctions against Russia for the widespread doping that had ex post facto compromised the Sochi and Rio games. Now, with the 2018 Olympics just past their midpoint, a Russian curler has been officially charged with doping a...
Tessa Virtue And Scott Moir Moulin Rouge-d Their Way To Another Olympic Gold Medal
Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, the Canadian ice dance team that received positive grades of execution for a lift that can only be described as “face sitting on ice skates” won their second gold medal of these Olympics tonight and their third Olympic gold medal overall. They’re now the 2010 Olympic cha...
The Winter Olympics Feature 2,951 Of The World’s Greatest Athletes, And Also This Woman<em></em><em></em>
There’s a premise built into the structure of the Olympics that pretty much every single Olympian, even those far down the standings, are elite athletes at the top of their game performing at a level most fans could only dream of. Freestyle skier Elizabeth Swaney is an affront to this notion, and he...
Words Cannot Begin To Describe The Horror Of Fergie's All-Star Game National Anthem
Something insane and terrible happened before tonight’s NBA All-Star Game. No one will ever be able to explain it to my satisfaction. Even in the context of the NBA’s disastrous, shriekingly awkward pregame nightmare, Fergie’s national anthem was an absolute abomination. A goose being strangled in y...
Shithead Blackhawks Fans Chant "Basketball" At Caps Forward Devante Smith-Pelly
Devante Smith-Pelly was subjected to racist taunts from fans at the United Center in Chicago during Saturday’s Capitals-Blackhawks tilt, according to a report from the Washington Post:...
Erin Hamlin Is Done, But She Changed Luge In The U.S. Forever
Chris Mazdzer’s silver-medal performance was the signature achievement for USA Luge in Pyeongchang, but no event better exemplified the American effort in this strangest and fastest of sports than the team relay. The Americans have enviable depth in the men’s, women’s and doubles disciplines, with a...
U.S. Men's Hockey Team Thoroughly Dominated By Russia, 4-0
The U.S. Men’s Olympic hockey team, haver of plenty of NHL-caliber talent, was shredded by the awesome Russian team, 4-0, in a preliminary round Group B match today....
Failing In The Short Program Gave Nathan Chen The Best Long Program Of His Career
GANGNEUNG, South Korea—Recent Grand Prix champion and Olympic favorite Nathan Chen shocked the skating world earlier this week with a pair of disappointing short programs. A wipeout in his Olympic debut during the team event brought the U.S. down to bronze and a disastrous first half of the men’s in...
James Wisniewski Thinks Team USA Has NHL-Caliber Talent
PYEONGCHANG, South Korea—Without any NHL players participating in the Olympics this year for the first time since 1994, the level of play in Pyeongchang is simply not what it’s been at previous Winter Games. Obviously, no team is as handicapped by this decision as the U.S. The roster that includes j...