go Page 516 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
New Footage Proves Zlatan Ibrahimović Has Been Stuntin' Since Birth
Children sometimes have difficulty understanding the origins of God. How, if He was never born, did he emerge fully formed from nothing? Now, thanks to this previously unreleased footage of Zlatan Ibrahimović in his early years, we now have the perfect explanatory analogy....
Goodell: I Suck At My Job. Now Trust Me.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, from whom we hadn't heard in quite some time, addressed the media just now, first reading a long, boring statement and then spending a bit more than a half-hour saying nothing whatever of substance in answering questions from reporters. The general impression he gave ...
Protestor Invades Goodell Presser, Screaming About An Elevator [UPDATE]
How well is Roger Goodell's presser going today? A screaming protestor, fearful that he might have to go into an elevator, interrupted it. ...
NFL Fans Prove They're Exactly As Stupid As The NFL Thinks They Are
On Monday, ESPN's SportsNation published a poll about the Vikings' reactivation of Adrian Peterson, the sort of reflexive, wallpaperish question more designed to eat up 20 or 30 seconds of the 11 a.m. SportsCenter than to gauge any actual public sentiment. A few days later it published another, aski...
What Should A Commissioner Be?
Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here....
NFL Issues Press Release Through <em>USA Today</em> On How Hard It's Working
The NFL wants you to know it's working hard on the issue of domestic violence. It hasn't actually changed anything since the video of Ray Rice slugging his wife was released. But why should that get in the way of a good press release, also known as an exclusive interview, as Tim Marchman explained y...
Just How Good Is Kirk Cousins?
When Robert Griffin III busted his ankle early in Washington's Week 2 game against the Jaguars, the team turned to backup Kirk Cousins to run the offense, again, and damn, he filled in nicely, again. The offense came alive, and Washington came away with a decisive 41-10 victory. RG3's return is st...
MLS Unveils New Logo
The most successful domestic league in American soccer history will hold its 20th season next year, and that survival alone is something to be proud of. To celebrate, MLS has released its new logo, a crest that will be gradually rolled out through the end of the year and properly launched in January...
Jon Stewart Murders NFL On Air; Goodell Asks Mueller To Investigate
Jon Stewart probably thought he was done with the NFL for a little while when he took them on a week ago, but here we are. The Minnesota Vikings suspending, then unsuspending, then suspending Adrian Peterson again caught The Daily Show's attention, and Stewart spent part of Wednesday night's sho...
The NFL's Useful Idiots Want Roger Goodell To Get Tough; They're Wrong
The bad thing about the corruption in NFL reporting is that there's literally no way for a league higher-up to fuck up badly enough to be held to account by the people best positioned to do so. The good thing is that if you want to know what the NFL wants you to think, all you have to do is read w...
Ray Rice Appeal Won't Be Heard By Roger Goodell
Late last night, the NFLPA officially filed a grievance on behalf of Ray Rice, appealing the indefinite suspension he received hours after tape of him punching out his fiancée was made public—and months after the NFL had decided a two-game suspension was appropriate. It sounds like that disciplinary...
No One In The NFL Can Do Anything Right
Adrian Peterson became toxic. Radisson and Catholic Charities jumped ship, he got dropped by sponsors Castrol and Mylan, got memory-holed by Wheaties, had his gear taken off the shelves at local Nike and Fan HQ stores, even got axed by the Special Olympics, to which he was appointed an "ambassador" ...
Scared Sponsors Are The Only Thing That Matters To The NFL
Anheuser-Busch, the NFL's $1.2 billion beer sponsor, released this statement in response to all the women and children being smacked around by football players in recent months:...
Will The Elite NFL Media Still Be Stooges After The Ray Rice Scandal?
The longtime agent and I were talking about NFL reporters and professional lapses. I said, "I guess you see lapses—"...
Why Did The Mets Briefly Drop The United Nations From Their Logo?
Illuminati-related? Probably not. (But probably.)...
Serbian Basketball Fans Go Buck Wild Over FIBA Silver Medal
There's a decent chance that you didn't even know that the United States defeated Serbia in the gold-medal game of the 2014 FIBA World Cup on Sunday, because not many people give much of a shit about the FIBA World Cup. You know who does give a shit about it, though? Serbians. They give a lot of a s...
Royals Win On Wild Sprint-Off
Jarrod Dyson is fond of the maxim, "that's what speed do," which is an easy thing to say when you're as fast as Jarrod Dyson. But last night's thrilling come-from-behind win, in which two pinch-runners had their ways with the basepaths? That's what speed do....