hi Page 1760 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
I Hope Your Team Wins At Sports This Weekend!
Thank you for letting me play in your sandbox today. I have no idea what any of you are talking about! That being said, you dudes were great. I hope it's not awkward when we run into each other later!...
Cub Fans Ruin Their Own Child's Life By Making Her A Cubs Fan
A Chicagoan e-mailed to ask why I have no love for the Windy City. Someone else e-mailed the answer. Meet new North Side resident, Waitle Nex Yeare. With any luck, the state has already placed her in protective custody. [Slanch]...
Always Be Remembering 9/11 (During NASCAR Blow-Ups)
Down in Richmond, VA, today it's going to be all like, "Always— what?" (Vroom vroom sound effects.) "Always remem—huh?" Yes, the NASCAR 9-11 Ford Fusion is racing today! You will always never forget, until it crashes. (Well? NASCAR!)...
Bears Begin The Season With Five-Yard Penalty
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap....
If You Have A Heart Left, This Story Will Touch It
This one's for you cynical bastards, inured to a summer of miserable stories. With the death of a high school football player's grandmother, the only parent he ever knew, he gained two new foster fathers: his coaches....
Alexander Ovechkin Takes His Wii Very Seriously
Alexander Ovechkin stopped traffic yesterday so he could drive a Zamboni down Manhattan's Sixth Avenue and then school me in some video game hockey. Not as fun as doing 180 with Rachel Nichols riding shotgun, but it was only Wednesday....
Mark Whicker Has Left The Yard Before
The year was 1991. Journalist and ex-Marine Terry Anderson had just been freed after nearly seven years of captivity in Lebanon. Seven years is a long time. Luckily, a columnist named Mark Whicker was around to put it in perspective....
Nationals Manager Says Baseball Isn't "Physically Taxing"
Interim Washington manager Jim Riggleman doesn't want to hear about late-season blues wearing his team down, because baseball isn't even that hard to begin with. Especially when you play it the Washington Nationals way!...
Starbury Addresses The Gay Jokes In True Starbury Fashion
With another video. In which he sings. And displays his painted toenails. And says, "If you think I'm gay, leave me in a room with your girl for an hour and she's gonna tell you how gay I am." [NESWsports.com]...
The Drunken Jellyfish Bandit Begins His Reign Of Terror
An intoxicated Florida beachgoer was arrested after pretending to drown in order to lure in would-be rescuers, only to hurl jellyfish at them when they approached. That's the greatest sentence I've ever written. [St. Pete Times]...
Look Who Can Finally Afford A Mac
Viewers were shocked and appalled to see the YES Network cameras focus on Emeritus looking like a real grown-up reporter during tonight's Yankee game. One reader described his performance as "surly." [H/T Matthew and Kevin]...
After Unanimous Backlash, Mark Whicker Responds
Though the column was published Monday night, Whicker's Jaycee Dugard column didn't strike the collective nerve of the Internet until today. I got in touch with the OC Register's sports editor, and here's what he and Whicker have to say....
Mark Whicker Leaves The Yard
I do not say this lightly: What you're about to read is the single worst piece of sports journalism ever committed to the page....
Help Wanted: Preposterous NFL Project 2009
Dear Readers: If anyone in the NYC area would like to volunteer to care for our football-playing gerbil and frog this year, please contact me. Consider it an internship. Sort of. No, this is not a joke....
Emmitt Smith Says Romo And Phillips Have To Stop Being Polite, Start Being Real
Articulately-challenged running back Emmitt Smith is frustrated with his former team, and he's blaming Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and Wade Phillips for the Lombardi trophy drought in Big D, urging them to yell at more people....
God Apparently Not A Fan Of Allen Iverson
AI tweets this morning:''God Chose Memphis as the place that I will continue my career.'' The Good Lord struck Iverson a 1 year, $3.5 million deal with the Grizzlies. [Commercial Appeal]...
Injured Sports Editor's Paper Has Little Sympathy
That a newspaper editor was severely injured on the sidelines of a high school football game is no laughing matter. The newspaper's priorities, in the wake of his hospitalization, are....
Team Field Trip Gets More Baptismal Than Expected
You're a high school football player, on a team-building excursion. Your coach promised you steak, so you and your teammates are really looking forward to it. When suddenly — bam!! — surprise baptism....
Cole Hamels Continues His Slow Transformation Into A Doily
Here, via Philebrity, is an advertisement from the new issue of Philadelphia Magazine, in which the Hamels family tries to sell you a luxury condo by posing like a couple of Precious Moments figurines in front of a horrified city....