im Page 359 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
I Am Not Superstitious, But Japan <i>Definitely</i> Lost Because Its Psychic Octopus With A Perfect Record Was Killed, Sold, And Eaten
Belgium’s round-of-16 win over Japan was a shocker, with the Red Devils coming back from an 0-2 second-half hole to win 3-2 on a thrilling counter at the very end of stoppage time. It’s gotta be difficult to swallow for Japan, because that final counter—an absolute thing of beauty—came off a poorly ...
Goddamn, John Tortorella Is <i>Pissed</i>
I want to begin by noting that it’s pretty funny that this latest, greatest round of beef between the Blue Jackets and Penguins is all over Jack Johnson, of all players, a bottom-pairing defenseman on the wrong side of 30 and coming off his worst season as a pro. That said: Give me the beef!...
Noggin Bonked By Errant First Pitch
An unfortunate fellow was bonked in the head by an errant first pitch before Sunday’s Braves-Cardinals game. This is especially delightful because first of all he works for the dreaded St. Louis Cardinals and therefore deserves this abuse, but also this same lad was famously scratched up by the vile...
Magi Came From The East Upon Seeing Jesus’s Star; Tim Tebow Is An Eastern League All-Star
Binghamton Rumble Ponies outfielder Tim Tebow, a 30-year-old man who has admirably persisted in his dream of playing professional sports for a living, has earned himself a small token of success by being named to the Eastern League All-Star Game. Tebow has only batted .261 all season, but heated up ...
Criminal Couple's Harrowing Attempt To Escape Convenience Store Features Unbelievable Number Of Plot Twists
A man and a woman visited the King Street Reddi Mart in Spruce Grove, Alberta, Canada on Monday afternoon, and the convenience store owner eventually called the police on suspicion that the man had been using a stolen credit card. By the time the couple left the store, they had lost a shirt and a sh...
Dayton Moore Is Being An Idiot
The tell is how little Dayton Moore is trying. The Royals’ general manager could point to the statistics that show Luke Heimlich is highly unlikely to reoffend. He could go into detail about how sex-offender registries and similar banishments don’t work, especially for juvenile offenders. He could e...
Joel Embiid Almost Made T.J. McConnell Cry By Beating His Ass At Video Games
Shit-talking aficionado Joel Embiid apparently does so in every facet of his life. During an appearance on Hot Ones released today, Embiid talked about how he induced teammate T.J. McConnell into a hissy fit that nearly ended in tears while the two were playing video games:...
An Anti-Doping Agent Occupied Serena Williams’s Property And Everyone Is Being Squirrelly About It<em></em>
Depending on your perspective, this is a story about Serena Williams getting upset over an unannounced drug test, or the alternately sinister and clownish nature of the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, or Serena Williams being unfairly targeted for drug tests by USADA—or, perhaps, the perils of talking too ...
Why Your Children's Television Program Sucks: <i>Transformers Prime</i>
A look at the awful children’s programming you’re forced to endure before you can finally kick the kids out of the TV room to watch sports for eight hours....
Diego Maradona Explains His Wild World Cup Behavior: "My Neck Hurt A Lot"
Argentina soccer legend and stubby crazy person Diego Maradona was acting pretty nuts during yesterday’s World Cup game between Argentina and Nigeria. His rolling eyes and sloppy teetering, combined with the fact that he had to be carried away from his seat and visited by doctors after the game, mad...
Why Are So Many People Demanding Redemption For Luke Heimlich?
Before there was the ongoing Luke Heimlich redemption tour, the paint-by-numbers SI profile, and the Kansas City Royals pulling from the Promise Keepers playbook, there was the promising football draft pick who made the mistakes of smoking pot and taking money for his work. ...
I Can't Stop Staring At Zlatan Ibrahimovic's Ass Tattoos
This week, in the annual Body Issue of ESPN The Magazine, Zlatan showed his ass, and friends, the ass is a masterpiece....
Getty Images Apologizes For Getting Horny Over World Cup Fans
The World Cup is a time to feel great pride for your country, to find an excuse to drink before noon, and to appreciate the athletic feats of some of the finest athletes on the planet. If you work at Getty Images, it is also a time to scope out hot babes in the stands and get all horned up....
Let's All Laugh At Dellin Betances Trying To Hit Major League Pitching<em></em>
The Yankees are already a 50-win ballclub, and nobody on that team gets strikeouts at a higher rate than relief pitcher Dellin Betances. That’s why I don’t feel too bad laughing along with his teammates as Betances learns what it’s like to be on the other side of Major League pitching. In the eighth...
This Is The World's Ugliest Dog<em></em>
The Sonoma-Marin Fair hosted its annual World’s Ugliest Dog Contest this past weekend, and no pooch could beat out Zsa Zsa for top honors. Zsa Zsa is a testament to the horrifying process of inbreeding that sapped the English bulldog gene pool of its diversity, but at least she got first prize! Here...
Hear Radamel Falcao's Goal Called In A Dozen Different Languages<em></em>
The passion is truly universal. ...
Kangaroo On The Field Is Great At Running, Atrocious At Kicking The Ball
This here kangaroo showed up to an Australian women’s Premier League match over the weekend and put together an impressive minute or so of tape. Our pal apparently wandered around the field for about 20 minutes, dozed off, hopped a few fences, and flashed some impressive top-level speed. However, hi...
Report: Hanley Ramirez Is Not Connected To Fentanyl Trafficking Ring; Some Asshole Just Tried To Name-Drop Him<em></em>
After reports on Friday stated that former Red Sox infielder and current free agent Hanley Ramirez was “being eyed in connection with an ongoing federal and state investigation” that involved distribution of the opioid fentanyl, a new report from the Boston Globe says that Ramirez is not being linke...
A French Teenager Was Detained By ICE For Two Weeks After Accidentally Jogging Over The U.S.-Canada Border
Cedella Roman, a 19-year-old French woman who was visiting her mother in British Columbia last month, was arrested by US Border Patrol and detained for two weeks by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) after she accidentally crossed the U.S.-Canada border while jogging....
Report: Cops Looking Into Hanley Ramirez's Possible Connection To Fentanyl Trafficking Ring
ABC investigative journalist Michele McPhee says authorities are looking into Hanley Ramirez’s possible relationship to a large fentanyl distribution case in Massachusetts....