im Page 863 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
What Could He Have Possibly Done Wrong?
There's no reason to speculate as to why Louisville back-up quarterback Matt Simms was suspended for four games for "an unspecified violation of team policy." None at all. It could be plenty of things. Maybe he was studying too hard for his physics exam and missed a mandatory meeting? Or perhaps he ...
Introducing The Smart Look For Back To School
Notice to any women who are hoping for hot multiple gold medal sex with a certain big-eared swimmer in the coming weeks; Michael Phelps' sperm are not to be trifled with. As this T-shirt by The Hotness Factory clearly illustrates, his boys can swim; they are pretty much the Navy Seals of spermatozoa...
Mike Timlin Will Take Care Of Your Ballpark Rat Problem
As long as Red Sox pitcher Mike Timlin is alive, Heidi Watney will never go hungry. Hope you enjoy squirrel, Heidi. You mean to say that hawk was a lovable team mascot? Sorry, my bad. Now, watch me shoot an apple off of a teammate's head. Damn it, hold still Youkilis! From Timlin's bio: ...
Tom Barbero Was Only Trying To Cool Off
Nothing gets a suburban small town more in a tizzy than when a "noted sex offender" moves into the neighborhood. All the rehabilitation and prison time in the world can never convince overly- protective parents this monster will ever be available for car-pool or babysitting duties. Granted, regardle...
Phelps Achieves Perfection With a Little Help From His Friends
Michael Phelps has just made history by eclipsing Mark Spitz's record of seven gold medals in a single Olympics with a win in the 4x100 medley relay in Beijing. Phelps maintained a small lead swimming the butterfly in the race's third leg and once again it was Jason Lezak holding off the opposition ...
Apparently We Can't Have Football Camp Without Broomstick Rape
I hate to be the guy that laughs every time some poor high school kid gets violated by some other kid or group of kids that think, "Hey, if I could stick something in this kid's ass, why, that would just be fantastic!" Where's the logic? It's not that these things are suddenly happening out of nowhe...
Behold, The Power Of Cheese: Phelps Wins No. 6
The surgeon general is frantically trying to keep a lid on the latest story out of Beijing, in which Michael Phelps has revealed his daily diet. He won gold medal No. 6 on Friday — in the 200-meter individual medley — leaving him one away from Mark Spitz' record with two races to go. And he has 12 g...
Sean Salisbury Isn't Angry Anymore
And here we have the second portion of our interview. It's more of the same, but Sean does calm down (somewhat) to emphasize a few things. Even though he sounds enraged when he's telling you "he's not angry." He's wholeheartedly trying not to be, but I get the sense that he could sound enraged when ...
It's The Dog Kids Love To Bite
That wasn't the sweet taste of victory that a 17-year-old Bunnell High School (Conn.) wrestler was experiencing recently during practice. One of his teammates was arrested for alleged sexual assault, when he produced his wiener and slapped it onto the mouth of an opponent, who had been pinned. Ah, t...
Sean Salisbury Has A Lot On His Mind
Sean Salisbury is at a transitional period in his life and talks rapidly — almost haphazardly — about anything that pops into his head. He's overtly defensive at times, and in our almost 2-hour phone conversation yesterday, he went through a deliberate unloading process. It was therapeutic, unhinge...
Behold The Power Of The Joe Beimel Bobblehead
Dodger fans were mocked relentlessly earlier this season when they voted to have a Joe Beimel Bobblehead Night; passing over players such as Matt Kemp, Chad Billingsley, James Loney and even Andruw Jones, who do not yet have a bobble likeness. But clearly they knew what they were doing: the force is...
LeBron, Jason Kidd Are Huge Fans Of The Swimming
Highlights from Beijing, where today's weather forecast is dark and sneezy, with a chance of afternoon soot ... I'm on record as saying this before the Games even started: Just try and keep the U.S. men's basketball squad away from the Water Cube. Here we see King James, Kidd and 10-time Olympic med...
We Welcome Our New Michael Phelps Overlord
The goggles, they do nothing! Despite leaky specs in the first race of the morning — the 200 meter butterfly — Michael Phelps claimed his fourth gold medal of the Beijing Games. He then went on to capture No. 5 as the U.S. became the first team to crack the 7-minute barrier in the 800 freestyle rela...
College Football Previews: #23 Wake Forest
We're rolling through the top 25 of the coaches poll. Today we've got Wake Forest and, shortly, Penn State. The Wake Forest fan base should be extremely proud of the alacrity with which they responded when it was announced that no one had volunteered to preview them. No doubt this was motivated by ...
No, Mark Spitz Will Not Go Quietly. And Why Should He?
Good line by a commenter on last night's DUAN, "Mark Spitz is printing 6-1 t-shirts as we speak." And it wouldn't surprise me to peak into Spitz's basement and see said shirts actually in production. If he wasn't rooting against Michael Phelps before, he most likely is now that he's been snubbed by ...
You Taste Of America, Jason Lezak
There's no better motivation for an American in the Olympics than Frenchy getting in your face and predicting victory. "I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say ... 'I love crepes.' " Jason Lezak outsprinted Alain Bernard of France in the anchor leg as the U.S. men — Michael Phelps, Ga...
Diseased Poon Not Good For Fellow Olympians
Mama always said bad poon could spread diseases. According to sources, Canadian swimmer Victoria Poon has come down with chicken pox and is now being quarantined at a hospital in Beijing. Commence poon jokes....now....
Charlie Weis Would Not Like To Discuss The Beer Olympics, Thank You
At the annual Notre Dame media conferenceNotre Dame head coach Charlie Weis used a brilliant Rosenhausian tactic in response to the Jimmy Clausen might-be-drinking photos that have caused such a clamor in South Bend recently. Instead of "Next question", Weis chose the equally effective and equally d...
Beef Queen Vs. Lettuce Lady: The Final Conflict
Showing an uncharacteristic sense of humor about itself, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has thrown down the leafy, fibrous gauntlet, challenging the newly-crowned Missouri Beef Council's Beef Queen, Meagan Webb, to fight their own Lettuce Lady in a tofu wrestling match. But we would adv...
FEEL THE EXCITEMENT! The Balls Deep 2008 Fantasy Football Preview!
Drew Magary's Balls Deep column runs every Thursday afternoon. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100% new material, is available for pre-order here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. If there is one saving grace about August, which is a fucking hot waste of a mont...