ing Page 706 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Scott Moir Says He Respects Ice Dancing Too Much To Fuck
Here is a brief video of Scott Moir speaking at a press conference. Moir and his skating partner Tessa Virtue are two-time Olympic gold medalists in ice dancing. Moir has said that they’re retiring after these Olympics—“I think it’s a nice end to our Olympic career”—but they also “retired” after Soc...
This Is A Truly Dreadful Curling Shot
It does not take a curling genius (or, barring that, just a regular old Canadian citizen) to figure out that Japanese skip Yusuke Morozumi really boinked this one against Denmark....
This Is Why Cross-Country Skiers Collapse And Barf After Races
I get to trot this grainy photo out every four years, my own personal Olympic medal. There I am in the bottom right wearing team-issued Jackson Pollock spandex, flanked by advertisements for Red Lobster and a local brewery, my mouth open as though I’m screaming in sheer agony....
20 Years Ago This Week, Michelle Kwan Did Not Win Olympic Gold In Nagano<em></em>
This Olympics marks the 20th anniversary of Michelle Kwan not winning the gold medal in ladies figure skating in Nagano. I’m sure that Tara Lipinski, who did win gold and became the youngest skater ever to do so, remembers this occasion differently. Kwan herself probably does, too. Kwan, for her par...
Lead Car's Dumbass Automatic Braking System Causes Painful Crash At Bike Race
Cars with automatic brake sensors built into them are wonderful when used in cities and other places where they can keep unaware drivers from killing cyclists. However, a bike race’s lead car is perhaps the worst possible vehicle for the technology, and five cyclists were the unfortunate victims of ...
North Korean Speed Skater Appears To Trip Opponent After Falling
North Korean short-track speed skater Kwang Bom Jong caused a stir during a preliminary heat of the men’s 500 meter race. Right after the start of his race he stumbled and fell flat on his stomach, at which point he appeared to reach out and attempt to trip Japanese skater Ryosuke Sakazume....
Bode Miller Is The Worst Sports Commentator Who Ever Lived
Here is my impression of Bode Miller, alpine skiing analyst for NBC’s Winter Olympics coverage, watching Neil Armstrong take humankind’s first step onto the surface of the Moon:...
American Women Just Won Their First-Ever Cross Country Medal
Jessie Diggins started the final lap in third place in the women’s cross country team sprint event—and finished it .19 seconds ahead of the second-place Swedish skier. The gold medal she and teammate Kikkan Randall won was America’s first ever podium finish in women’s cross country skiing....
Lindsey Vonn In Tearful Post-Race Interview: "I Wish I Could Keep Going...My Body Probably Can't Take Another Four Years"
Lindsey Vonn claimed bronze in what we’ll assume is her final time contesting the Olympic downhill, and spoke with NBC about her comeback after missing Sochi and how she’ll look back on her career. It’s intense, at times, as Vonn confronts the probable end of her career. ...
For Deep Insight Into The True Nature Of The Virtue-Moir Relationship, Watch Them Be Forced To Watch A Montage Of Their Life Together<em></em>
Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, the greatest ice dancers of all-time, spent the Olympics erotically wiggling together on the ice and winning the gold medal with a world-record score before denying that any sort of fucking was going on. There’s a certain, um, electricity to their interactions, even if t...
Red Wings Trade Former Franchise Goalie For Melted Ice
It’s not that the Red Wings’ trade of goalie Petr Mrazek to Philadelphia was any massive surprise, or even that the Flyers screwed Detroit with an unfair deal. But when you look at what the Red Wings got in return for a guy who was once thought the be the team’s future cornerstone, it’s pretty depre...
The Rays Are Being Stripped For Parts
The Miami Marlins are not the only Florida-based baseball team who will be punting on the 2018 season. Since the start of the offseason, the Rays have traded Evan Longoria to San Francisco, let Logan Morrison walk in free agency, designated all-star Corey Dickerson for assignment, and traded Jake Od...
Elizabeth Swaney's Multi-Sport Journey To Pyeongchang
Hungarian (sort-of) skier Elizabeth Swaney is now infamous around the world, after her big turn at the Olympics involved her just sort of sliding down the ski halfpipe and getting a cumulative three feet or so of air. She finished dead last of the 24 competitors by a comfortable margin, but that doe...
Elise Christie's Olympics Were Another Nightmare<em></em>
Last week, British short track speed skater Elise Christie crashed out of the 500m race and finished fourth in an event she holds the world record, adding another disappointing finish to an Olympic career that’s been waylaid by an avalanche of bad luck. Christie was distraught after her fourth strai...
Are Virtue And Moir Fucking Or What?<em></em>
Last night, we all watched Canadian ice dancers Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir win gold by having simulated skate sex in front of god and NBC and everyone, and now we’re all pregnant, and I can’t believe what everyone is trying to tell me: that they’re not actually boning. Come the fuck on; I have eyes...
Bryce Harper Forced Don Mattingly Into Clowning Himself
The Marlins are a cynical disaster of a franchise with no apparent interest in winning baseball games, and the obviousness of all that has put the actual members of the team in a tough spot. The players on the Marlins still have to go out and play 162 games and pretend like the reason for them takin...
<i>Raw</i> Opened With A Match That Lasted Two Hours And It Ruled
WWE Raw is repetitive. It’s three hours long and sometimes a slog to get through. And when Roman Reigns walked out to start the show last night, it seemed like we’d be getting another 20-minute opening promo segment....
Ways The IOC Has Dodged Doping Questions, Ranked
PYEONGCHANG, South Korea—The big story coming into Pyeongchang was the IOC’s sanctions against Russia for the widespread doping that had ex post facto compromised the Sochi and Rio games. Now, with the 2018 Olympics just past their midpoint, a Russian curler has been officially charged with doping a...
Tessa Virtue And Scott Moir Moulin Rouge-d Their Way To Another Olympic Gold Medal
Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, the Canadian ice dance team that received positive grades of execution for a lift that can only be described as “face sitting on ice skates” won their second gold medal of these Olympics tonight and their third Olympic gold medal overall. They’re now the 2010 Olympic cha...
Cassie Sharpe Wins Ski Halfpipe Gold After Defending Champ Maddie Bowman's Devastating Crash
American Maddie Bowman will not repeat as ski halfpipe gold medalist after crashing on all three of her runs in tonight’s final round, the final time of which left the 2014 champion crumpled on the ground with a busted helmet....