nf Page 1180 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
1st Round, Fourteenth Overall: Bears Select Chris Williams
There are worse things to watch than the Bears offense. For example, there's: 1) Put up Your Dukes 2) Your maiden aunt shaving her legs, etc. 3) Fake-reality YouTube videos of a teenage emo-girl whispering her breathy secrets ("my parents hate me") into a webcam 2.3 millimeters away from her chin....
1st Round, Thirteenth Overall: Panthers Select Jonathan Stewart
Okay, where's Tanier going here? Is going to go the "Jon Stewart" route and make lots of Daily Show (or "The Faculty") references? Is he going to make fun of Oregon's Rejected Nickelodeon Teen Superhero uniforms? Maybe go old school for some Jimmy Stewart references? ...
1st Round, Twelveth Overall: Broncos Select Ryan Clady
Clady is the first football player ever to leave Boise State early. Why would anyone ever leave Boise early? Come to think of it, why would anyone go to Boise?...
1st Round, Eleventh Overall: Bills Select Leodis McKelvin
Oh where do parents find names like "Leodis"? Well, smart guy, it turns out that Leodis was the Olde English name for the woods that eventually became the English township of Leeds. The word "Leodis" is mentioned several times by the Venerable Bede, and there are few sources as venerable as the Ven...
1st Round, Tenth Overall: Patriots Select Jerod Mayo
The Patriots finally picked up a linebacker under 35! And of course, they caught a few people off guard (guilty) by grabbing a guy who was low on many draft boards. Mayo started his Tennessee career at outside linebacker, but moved to the middle in 2007, and while he made a lot of plays (140 tackle...
1st Round, Ninth Overall: Bengals Select Keith Rivers
Keep standing pat, ye mighty Bengals! The Jags and Pats leapt over you to take defenders you so badly needed, guys you targeted so heavily that you sent your line coach to molest them at their pro days. Your star wide receiver plans to toilet paper team headquarters. Your other receiver, whose name...
1st Round, Eighth Overall: Ravens Jaguars Select Derrick Harvey
We used to call guys like Harvey "tweeners." Now they're called "hybrids." Scouting gibberish has gone green...
1st Round, Seventh Overall: Patriots Saints Select Sedrick Ellis
The Patriots, wheeling and dealing? Next thing you know they'll be doing something shifty. Without waiting for the details, I am going to assume that they just took the Saints first round picks thru 2017 to allow them to move up five slots....
1st Round, Sixth Overall: Jets Select BBBOOOOOOOOO Vernon Gholston BBOOOOOOOOO
Anybody else have this problem? Every once in a while, it sounds like Mike Mayock's mic gives out. It sounds like an evil droid from Star Wars, or the serial killer on the cell phone from a bad horror movie, or something from Kid A. Getting on my nerves, but not enough to make me switch to ESPN....
1st Round, Third Overall: Falcons Select Matty Ice
The Falcons wish to remain anonymous. After a year of dog torturing and climb-out-the bathroom-window coach quitting, the team would like to return to the quiet old days when David Archer was the quarterback and the average crowd rivaled the turnout on the Asia reunion tour. They hired someone name...
1st Round, Second Overall: Rams Take Chris Long
Did you know that Chris Long is Howie Long's son? No kidding! The media really has been doing a swell job keeping that tidbit under wraps. Yes, Long is the scion of the Hall of Fame lineman and impeccably-coiffed FOX analysis android. Howie Long was so spectacular in his playing days that a pass ru...
Your Weekend Of Name Recitation And Breathless Speculation Hath Arrived!
Yes, ESPN's draft coverage is underway, four hours before the Dolphins shock the world by picking Jake Long. Now they're saying Chris Long is going to the Rams. Let's tip all the picks hours in advance. No reason to make it so people actually watch the draft. For those who stick around, choose betwe...
All Right, All Right, We'll Watch The Draft
OK, so Drew absolutely convinced us: We're actually gonna watch a little bit of the draft this weekend. And not just because we're crossing our fingers that our Buzzsaw will end up with the Illini's Rashard Mendenhall. Though we are....
So, Will Anybody Draft Troubled Tommy Blake?
One of the best stories featured on ESPN's Schaaptastic E:60 show was Michael Smith's profile of troubled Texas Christian University defensive lineman Tommy Blake. Blake, who at one point in his college career was on the fast-track to the NFL, derailed early his senior year. He was a no-show for man...
Tom Brady Is Out Of The Closet And Bent On Murder
Anyone watch Law & Order: Special Victims Unit? Apparently Tuesday's episode involved a thinly disguised version of Tom Brady, who was a gay quarterback implicated in a murder. Sample dialogue: "Lincoln Haver is gay? I thought he was dating Natasha Gorski, that hot supermodel." "You can't blame Linc...
A Brief Conversation With Mike Mamula
This morning I had a brief chat with everybody's favorite (OK, my favorite) ex-Philadelphia Eagles and draft day legend Mike Mamula. Surprisingly, even though his name is brought up during practically every NFL draft analysis, he hasn't received any phone calls this week....
If You Don't Like The NFL Draft, You Can Suck It: Your NFL Draft Jamboroo
Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo has been off since the end of the NFL season. But now, with Saturday's NFL draft looming, it returns, for one week only....
Welcome Back, Pacman; We Await The Rain You Shall Make
So, now that Pacman Jones has joined the Dallas Cowboys, we ask: How will he deal with the changing rules for Dallas-area strip clubs?...
T.O. Goes After The Dirty.com
Now, there is no longer any doubt that Terrell Owens "accidentally" showed up in a frame of the BangBros. "Spring Break Ass" pictorial, as proven by a curt little letter from his attorney, Alan M. Lerner, obtained by TMZ.com, to TheDirty.com....
Goodbye, Shaun Alexander
Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander has joined the growing segment of unemployed rich guys. It's amazing that a couple of years ago, he was a top five fantasy pick just and a league MVP. But the foot, man, the foot is not well. And some of the Seattle faithful are happy he's gone. Like porny-named...