1st Round, Ninth Overall: Bengals Select Keith Rivers

Keep standing pat, ye mighty Bengals! The Jags and Pats leapt over you to take defenders you so badly needed, guys you targeted so heavily that you sent your line coach to molest them at their pro days. Your star wide receiver plans to toilet paper team headquarters. Your other receiver, whose name I don't dare try to type in real time, is also miffed. Stay the course. Don't do anything rash. Sucking indefinitely isn't as bad as it sounds.

Well, at least they got a good defender. Rivers is the best linebacker in the draft, a great size-speed guy with a head for the game. And he fills the Bengals biggest need. The Bengals were so desperate last year for linebackers that they signed Dhani Jones off the street and through him in the lineup. You know Dhani Jones: he worked for Al Gore for a while, then was an extra in that ATL movie, and hasn't really been involved in anything remotely successful since the Eagles reached the Super Bowl a few years ago. Rivers is definitely an upgrade for a team that switched to a 4-2-5 defense briefly last season because their only linebackers had names like Dhani. Rivers is one of a long line of great linebackers who wore #55 at USC: Junior Seau, Willie McGinest, and others. Rivers could have turned pro last year, but he wanted to stay one more season in college to honor the legacy of his uniform number. If he knew he would end up on the Bengals, he might have done things differently.