ns Page 2450 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
You'll Never Believe What Happened Yesterday (Actually, You Probably Will)
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, would like the springtime weather to actually reach Chicago. It can happen any time now. When he's not ruing unseasonably low temperatures in the midwest, he can be found trying to warm his hands at Basketbawful. Enjoy! The Maverick meltdown: Will it ever e...
Roger Clemens, 15-Year-Old Country Singers, OxyContin, Stolen Trucks And You
You might have thought Roger Clemens would have done just about everything he could possibly do to destroy his reputation over the last few months. Showing up in the Mitchell Reporter, crashing and burning in his last start as a Yankee, looking like a fool in front of Congress. What could be worse t...
Instead of Combat, Caleb Campbell Heading To The Lions. So, Yay?
Safety Caleb Campbell was the first nonkicker from Army ever invited to take part in the NFL combine. If he didn't get drafted, he would probably be serving as a second lieutenant in Iraq or Afghanistan by year's end. But Campbell was drafted in the 7th round. By the Detroit Lions. Bit of a Pyrrhic ...
"Big Dick Bandit" Now A Raven
In case you thought the departure of Brian Billick would bring a new age of sterling character to the Baltimore Ravens, you are most definitely wrong. Among the more interesting second day picks came with two of the Baltimore Ravens' three 3rd round picks. With the 7th pick of the third round, they ...
Roger Federer Will Silence Your Family
During the semi-final match of the Monte Carlo Masters yesterday between Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic, Djokovic's family disputed a call, whereupon the top ranked player in the world told them to shut their fucking yaps, except he was a little more polite about it. Djokovic later pulled out of t...
The Chiefs Drafted...Well?
We've been cautioned and chastened by many a pundit over the years that it takes years to properly assess the success of any given draft. That may be true, but with the Chiefs unloading Jared Allen to the Vikings for picks, it was important for them to make a splash. Everything seemed to go their wa...
1st Round, Eighteenth Overall: Ravens Select Joe Flacco
Joe Flacco came from a bad neighborhood. Audubon, New Jersey, is rougher than the Little Rock with East St. Louis piled on top of it. Flacco graduated from Audubon High School, which is so rough that there are medal detectors in the faculty lounge, where even the math teachers are pumped up muscle m...
1st Round, Seventeenth Overall: Lions Select Gosder Cherilus
The Lions made a pick. Stop snickering. And he's a pretty good player. Stop it! Nothing is funny! He could help the team improve. Last warning, damn it! Okay, everything the Lions do is funny. Most coaches invoke omerta when talking about their pre-draft needs. Rod Marinelli shows up at his press ...
1st Round, Fifteenth Overall: Chiefs Select Branden Albert
Oh God. The Lions made a trade. Carl Peterson dangled a shiny object in front of Matt Millen, and now we all have to adjust. This Brandon Albert blog entry will be written in four styles: dense football scouting jargon, lyrically idiotic Jamie Dukes banter, Thomas the Tank Engine narration, and fin...
1st Round, Eleventh Overall: Bills Select Leodis McKelvin
Oh where do parents find names like "Leodis"? Well, smart guy, it turns out that Leodis was the Olde English name for the woods that eventually became the English township of Leeds. The word "Leodis" is mentioned several times by the Venerable Bede, and there are few sources as venerable as the Ven...
1st Round, Ninth Overall: Bengals Select Keith Rivers
Keep standing pat, ye mighty Bengals! The Jags and Pats leapt over you to take defenders you so badly needed, guys you targeted so heavily that you sent your line coach to molest them at their pro days. Your star wide receiver plans to toilet paper team headquarters. Your other receiver, whose name...
1st Round, Seventh Overall: Patriots Saints Select Sedrick Ellis
The Patriots, wheeling and dealing? Next thing you know they'll be doing something shifty. Without waiting for the details, I am going to assume that they just took the Saints first round picks thru 2017 to allow them to move up five slots....
1st Round, Fifth Overall: Chiefs Select Glenn Dorsey
The big question in March was whether Dorsey had super-secret-surgery on his balky knees. How secret surgery even possible? I can't get a hemorrhoid removed without six referrals and a signed affidavit from the president of my insurance company. But somehow one of the top NFL prospects can sneak in...
1st Round, Third Overall: Falcons Select Matty Ice
The Falcons wish to remain anonymous. After a year of dog torturing and climb-out-the bathroom-window coach quitting, the team would like to return to the quiet old days when David Archer was the quarterback and the average crowd rivaled the turnout on the Asia reunion tour. They hired someone name...
Dolphins Take Jake Long First Overall
Greetings, fellow podium gazers! It's great to be spending Saturday afternoon with you and not my family. And what better way to kick things off but with some four day old news! When we last saw Bill Parcells, he was sitting in the owner's box watching the Dolphins' final game, looking like a late...
Your Weekend Of Name Recitation And Breathless Speculation Hath Arrived!
Yes, ESPN's draft coverage is underway, four hours before the Dolphins shock the world by picking Jake Long. Now they're saying Chris Long is going to the Rams. Let's tip all the picks hours in advance. No reason to make it so people actually watch the draft. For those who stick around, choose betwe...
March Of The Penguins
Perhaps next time Jaromir Jagr should Czech his trash talking at the door (PUNTASTIC BURN!!!!) as the not quite Mario Lemieux-level Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin helped to erase a 3-0 Rangers lead to give the Pens a 1-0 series advantage. Jagr had a chance to tie in the waning moments, but clanged ...
Previewing The Stars-Sharks
Deadspin's NHL Conference Semifinal Series Previews are being brought to you by Melt Your Face Off, where hockey is the official religion but all the editors are atheists. MYFO's Weed Against Speed breaks down the Dallas/San Jose series....
Previewing The Rangers-Penguins
Deadspin's NHL Conference Semifinal Previews come courtesy of Melt Your Face-Off. Over at MYFO, Sunday service starts tonight, and holding back when the collection plate comes around earns you a two-minute seat in the penalty pew. In the meantime, Hextall454 brings you the righteous preview of the N...
Our Breasts Can Always Tell When It's Going To Rain
If only you knew how mean she really is... You'd know that we're not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah! Two years ago she told us hoops earrings were her thing and we weren't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hannakuh our parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops a...