pe Page 722 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Clippers' Bench Has Somehow Gone From Terrible To Amazing
For five seasons, the Los Angeles Clippers have been the exact same team. In the regular season they win 50-something games, and in the playoffs they flame out before the Conference Finals. But things might just be different this year, because their previously worthless bench unit is dominating game...
Donald Trump Is The Leader America Was Promised
In the end, the warnings got the story all backwards. Beware, the political analysts said—Donald Trump may be an incompetent, bigoted buffoon, but after he loses, a cleverer, more subtle, more respectable Trump will come along....
Greek Soccer League Suspended After Referee's House Gets Set On Fire
Greek soccer’s governing body (the EPO) announced today that the Superleague and all domestic cup competitions would be suspended after someone tried to set the home of Giorgos Bikos on fire. Bikos is the head of the EPO’s refereeing committee and his house in northern Greece was attacked early this...
The Pelicans Are A Damn Disgrace
The New Orleans Pelicans are 0-8. In a vacuum, there’s nothing particularly alarming about a bad basketball team starting the season with eight consecutive losses, but the Pelicans have failed in a way that shouldn’t really be possible in today’s NBA....
Fuck Everything And Blame Everyone
Blame white people. Blame white men in particular, but reserve plenty of blame for white women. Blame old people, too. Blame rich people, as always. Blame the public at large for Donald fucking Trump getting more votes than Donald Duck. Democracy enacts the will of the public; this is what the publi...
It's Been A While Since The NHL Had A Rookie Who Could Score Like This
If the 2015 NHL draft was a two-headed hype monster—McDavid and Eichel as a clear 1A and 1B—maybe it’s not to early to start thinking of 2016 not as merely the Auston Matthews draft, but as draft that brought us Matthews and Patrik Laine. The Winnipeg Jets rookie now leads the league in goals....
Donald Trump's Victory Speech: "I Am Reaching Out To You For Your Guidance And Your Help"
Donald Trump claimed victory tonight from New York City in a speech that featured the presumptive president-elect stating that his road to the presidency was “not a campaign, but a movement.” An uncorrected transcript from closed captioning follows:...
How Long Can You Wear Championship Gear?<em></em>
Hey, it’s Election Day! You should go vote. Unless you forgot to register, in which case it’s probably too late, in which case you are utterly powerless to control the country’s destiny, in which case we may all burn forever as a result of your negligence, in which case you should hide when we come ...
Dan Carpenter's Wife Threatens Richard Sherman's Nuts
Rex Ryan and the Buffalo Bills were fuming after Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman got away with throwing himself at kicker Dan Carpenter on a field goal attempt right before halftime of Monday’s game. Carpenter’s wife Kaela, who grew up in Montana, had a very regional reaction to Sherman’s tactic...
Audience Openly Laughs At Madonna For Saying "I Do Consider Myself A Minority"
Tonight in New York’s Washington Square Park, Madonna performed a “surprise” concert in support of Hillary Clinton. I don’t know a single thing that happened there except for this: Madonna said she considers herself a minority, and then her audience openly laughed in her face....
Cucked Penguin's Insane Revenge Fight Is The Horror Movie Of The Year<em></em>
The good people at National Geographic host a program called “Animal Fight Night.” Reader, it is exactly what you’d expect. ...
Here's The List of Defense Lawyers Penn State Handed Out To Its Football Players
College football fans know that when a player gets in trouble, it won’t be too long before that player retains legal counsel—and usually very good counsel. At Florida, it’s Huntley Johnson. At Florida State, it’s Tim Jansen. At Tennessee, players got a list of six defense lawyers with ties to the at...
Falcons-Buccaneers, <i>Thursday Night Football</i>, LIVE
It’s time again to let the Tecmo Super Bowl computer duke it out to simulate tonight’s Atlanta-Tampa Bay game. Who will win? Tune in to find out, LIVE: ...
Department Of Education Fines Penn State $2.4 Million For Child Sex Abuse Scandal
The U.S. Department of Education announced Thursday the conclusion of its investigation into the Jerry Sandusky child sex abuse scandal. Upon review, the department found 11 instances in which the university violated the Clery Act. ...
Minor League Baseball Team's New Logo Is A Musclebound, Horny Shrimp
If you woke up one day to discover that you were suddenly a millionaire named Ken Babby, what’s one of the first things you’d do? Would you use your wealth to humiliate a group of grown men by forcing them to wear uniforms featuring a cartoon shrimp humping the state of Florida? Why, yes—yes you wou...
New Report Details How Baylor Suppressed Reports Of Sexual Assault<em></em>
A report tonight from Showtime’s 60 Minutes Sports revealed a series of new details about Baylor’s failures to handle reports of sexual assault, especially (although not exclusively) those involving football players. The package, reported by Armen Keteyian, details how Waco police kept details of re...
The Melbourne Cup Is Decadent And Depraved
You may have read Hunter S. Thompson’s famous article recounting the rampant debauchery at the Kentucky Derby and thought you’d glimpsed the true, beating heart of insane white people shit. But you’d have been mistaken. It’s not until you see these photos of the Melbourne Cup, Australia’s most drunk...