people Page 68 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?<em></em>
OK, so you’ve already learned about all the things we shoved inside ourselves last year. But what about our dangly bits? Rest assured, we punished them....
What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?<em></em><em></em>
Deadspin’s Christmas Day tradition returns. It is time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Below are the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that America has shoved into its various holes. God bless us, eve...
Let's Share Our Petty Stories About Famous People Acting Uncool
A very long time ago, during George W. Bush’s first term as president, Dick Cheney came into the Northern Virginia bookstore where I worked. Just surly old then-Vice President Dick Cheney and maybe a handful of (identifiable, visible) Secret Service dudes, coming into the bookstore on a weekend afte...
Please Return Cassius Marsh's Stolen <i>Magic: The Gathering</i> Cards
I’ve never lost my Magic: The Gathering cards to anything more malicious than a sofa cushion, but I can fathom the pain Seattle Seahawks linebacker Cassius Marsh is feeling after his Land Rover was broken into on Tuesday night. What follows is a tragic sequence of events, and a translation....
Donald Trump Is The Leader America Was Promised
In the end, the warnings got the story all backwards. Beware, the political analysts said—Donald Trump may be an incompetent, bigoted buffoon, but after he loses, a cleverer, more subtle, more respectable Trump will come along....
Fuck Everything And Blame Everyone
Blame white people. Blame white men in particular, but reserve plenty of blame for white women. Blame old people, too. Blame rich people, as always. Blame the public at large for Donald fucking Trump getting more votes than Donald Duck. Democracy enacts the will of the public; this is what the publi...
Audience Openly Laughs At Madonna For Saying "I Do Consider Myself A Minority"
Tonight in New York’s Washington Square Park, Madonna performed a “surprise” concert in support of Hillary Clinton. I don’t know a single thing that happened there except for this: Madonna said she considers herself a minority, and then her audience openly laughed in her face....
The Melbourne Cup Is Decadent And Depraved
You may have read Hunter S. Thompson’s famous article recounting the rampant debauchery at the Kentucky Derby and thought you’d glimpsed the true, beating heart of insane white people shit. But you’d have been mistaken. It’s not until you see these photos of the Melbourne Cup, Australia’s most drunk...
Race, Explained By Urban Babies
Savvy urbanites know that the best place to find wisdom online is UrbanBaby.com, message board of choice for rich New York parents and those who wish they were. Today: real talk about race—and your kids. ...
What Will White People Say About How Trump Does In The Debate?
With hours to go before tonight’s presidential debate, one great defining question hangs over American politics: Will Donald Trump’s performance tonight allow white people to keep pretending he can possibly be president?...
MacArthur Genius Grants: Not Worth It
Before you ask, the answer is no—I have never won a MacArthur Genius Grant. Nor did I win this year. And thank god for that....
Phyllis Schlafly Finally Croaks
Phyllis Schlafly, who spent her adult life encouraging the American courts, legislature, and public to oppress women, among others, died tonight, not a moment too soon. She was 92....
Dead Letters: The Horse People Are Furious
Last week, I wrote a blog trashing the presence of horse sports at the Olympics. My point was that they should get these goddamn horses out of my face, because the Olympics are for humans. I watched a bunch of horse sports during the first weekend of the Olympics, and they were even more boring than...
Cristiano Ronaldo Is Not Mad. This Is Actually Funny To Him.
Underwear mogul/ab demon Cristiano Ronaldo and his Portuguese teammates opened their Euro 2016 campaign against Iceland today. It was the tiny island’s first European Championship game ever, and they managed to come from behind and tie Portugal, 1-1. Portugal had 27 shots, 10 on goal, and 66 percent...
Reporter Says 49ers Owner Jed York Once Stuck Him With A $2100 Dinner Bill
Tim Kawakami, the longtime Mercury News columnist, hosts a podcast, and during a recent episode he told a story about 49ers owner Jed York being a rich jerk....
How Two Online Baseball Writers Won An Indie-League Draft By Finding Talent And Stealing It
The following is excerpted from The Only Rule Is It Has To Work, the wonderful new book in which two sabermetrically-inclined baseball writers—Sam Miller of Baseball Prospectus and Ben Lindbergh of ESPN—recount their experience running baseball operations for the Sonoma Stompers, an actual, real-lif...
Old Baseball Man Throws A Fastball, Is Very Cool
This great old guy is Choji Murata. He is 66 years old now, and was a pitcher in the Japanese professional league from 1968-1990. He was asked to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at a recent game, and the old fella brought the heat:...
Want To Buy One Of Dan Gilbert's Bad Sport Coats?
There’s a post on StyleForum.net attempting to sell a few sport coats that allegedly belong to Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Have you ever wanted to dress like a leathery plutocrat? Well, if you’ve got $400 lying around, now is your chance....
When Is It Acceptable To Take The Elevator?
Let’s say that you live in a place where you’ve got to walk a mile or so, then take a train, and climb up and down a maze of stairs in the stations that house those trains, in order to get to work every day. Let’s say that you work on the third floor of an office building that has 18 occupied floors...