rons Page 9 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Barry Larkin Hassled Sony Execs To Get A Discount On A Microphone
Barry Larkin made an estimated $78 million during his Hall of Fame career, and presumably makes an excellent salary now as an ESPN baseball analyst. Despite this wealth, he needed help last month from Sony executives to get an employee discount on a microphone, according to emails released in the So...
Why The Lakers' Brand Of Suck Matters
That Nick Young's return to the lineup would coincide with the Lakers' ascent from gonzo terribleness to bland mediocrity fits, really. Both because at every stop in his NBA career Nick Young has done whatever would annoy me the most, but also because "Swaggy P" is the basketball embodiment of a tw...
The Funniest Thing In Sports: Kobe Bryant Chucking At Historic Levels
Kobe Bryant shot a combined 16-for-48 in the two ass-kickings the Lakers absorbed over the weekend. Even the bad guys from Rambo III are all, "Jesus, man, that's a lotta terrible shooting." The friggin' Ethyl Higby Charm School doesn't have that many misses....
All Hail Kobe Bryant And The Lakers, Lords Of Madness
First things first: You don't get to miss more shots than anybody else in NBA history by being bad at basketball. That record would be Larry Hughes's if he didn't, y'know, suck at everything, and in this sense, the all-time missed-shots record is a perverse monument to Kobe Bryant's greatness. He ...
The Lakers Won, Can't Win
The hilarious Lakers finally got a win last night, a 107-92 clobbering of the Hornets in Los Angeles. Turns out, all it took to get the Lakers off the hook was nearly an entire week off to prepare to host one of the most dysfunctional offensive teams in basketball. Should be a pretty repeatable fo...
Watch Action Bronson Have An Extremely Awkward Meal With Mike Ditka
Queens rapper Action Bronson is pretty great, in part because he once called himself "The Young Randy Velarde" on a track, and in part because he hosts a food show on the internet that is called Fuck, That's Delicious. The most recent episode of the show brought Bronson into contact with shitty old ...
Come, Let Us Have Another Laugh At The Disastrous Lakers
So the Lakers rolled out their "actually, bad basketball is cool and good" strategy again last night in Phoenix; accordingly, they got their wheels knocked off, losing 119-99 in a game that somehow makes even that score seem deceptively close....
Oh Man, The Lakers Are In Big, Big Trouble
Yep, the Lakers really are going with this whole "play terrible basketball on purpose" thing. Last night against the Rockets, they attempted 10 three-pointers as a team—two more than Houston's Trevor Ariza fired up by himself—and sent the Rockets to the free-throw line 50 times. They did both of t...
The Lakers Will Play Terrible Basketball, On Purpose
Byron Scott gave an interview last week following the Lakers' first preseason game; it went largely ignored, because preseason is stupid and no one cares. But with the Lakers looking like one of the more conspicuous disasters going so far—without any plans of tanking, bear in mind—let's take a quick...
Bro Haughtily Tries To Exit Drinking Competition, Fails
Each year, the University College Dublin hosts an event known as Iron Stomach, in which a group of freshmen sit on a stage and are forced to eat and drink absurd amounts of gross things. The proceedings are nasty enough to necessitate a large trough—meant for collecting puke, spit, and whatever the ...
Tyron Smith Isn't A "Cowboy For Life." He Just Got Screwed.
Yesterday, Cowboys left tackle Tyron Smith signed an enormous eight-year extension, valued at $110 million over 10 years. Today, Dallas is telling everyone that it guarantees Smith will be a "Cowboy for life." As we know by now, the numbers in NFL contracts are bullshit. But this is outrageous eno...
"Gary In Menlo Park. Gary, You're On The Herd With An Imbecile"
And, courtesy of Paul Pabst:...
Bronson Arroyo Was About As Pretty OK, I Guess, As Anyone Ever
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Bronson Arroyo announced on Monday that he will be undergoing Tommy John surgery to repair the torn ulnar collateral ligament in his right elbow. The news that a 37-year-old pitcher who has never really warranted a descriptor any more generous than "OK" is out for the fo...
Everything You Know About Cramps Is Wrong, And Gatorade Is Full Of Shit
It looked bad, LeBron getting Paul Pierced off the court, a Finals opener sliding wetly to an uneventful end, Gatorade trolling down from the ramparts of for-profit pseudo-science....
Charles Bronson, Urban Rambo: The Frantic Nihilism Of <em>Death Wish 3</em>
Netflix Instant doesn't have to feel like a depleted Blockbuster in 1990, where you spend half an hour browsing hopeless straight-to-video thrillers before saying "fuck it" and loading up another Archer. Streaming services can be an absolute treasure trove, particularly if you like action movies, an...
Remove The Swoosh And USA Track & Field Will Sue Your Balls Off
Oiselle, a running apparel company, has received a cease-and-desist letter from USA Track & Field. Oiselle's crime? Removing the Nike Swoosh from a national team photo. ...
Moron Takes Selfie With Carlsbad Wildfire
It's been a bad week for idiots and selfies, so here's a guy in San Diego grabbing a selfie with a wildfire—one that's forced tens of thousands of evacuations....
The Heroes Of My Youth
More baseball because this is a time for spring and baseball on the brain. Check this out, from one of my favorite writers, a memoir piece by Paul Hemphill about growing up watching the Birmingham Barons:...
This Nick Young Impression From Byron Scott and James Worthy Is Epic
So, this is just great. Former Los Angeles Lakers teammates Byron Scott and James Worthy were on Time Warner Cable Sportsnet prior to a Lakers game, when they were charged with doing their best Nick "Swaggy P" Young impression. Turns out, Swaggy P sounds exactly how we all expect Swaggy P to sound....