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There Was No Escaping Ted Williams
This piece, originally published as “The World’s Richest Problem Child” in Newsweek, is featured in The John Lardner Reader: A Press Box Legend’s Classic Sportswriting, and appears here with permission from the author’s estate....
"Megatron's Butthole" Is Stopped Up
The Atlanta Falcons will ostensibly begin play this fall in their new stadium (with its eight-petal retractable roof, which Drew referred to as “Megatron’s Butthole” and now I cannot think of it any other way). Except: the stadium was supposed to be open by now. But it wasn’t ready, so they pushed i...
Sportswriters Whine About Kid Reporter Asking Legitimate Question At Press Conference
In South Carolina coach Frank Martin’s postgame press conference last night, preteen Sports Illustrated Kids reporter Max Bonnstetter asked an interesting and well-formulated question—one that, somehow, upset a handful of “adult” journalists:...
Colombia Beat Bolivia 1-0, And We Got Another Heavy Metal ¡GOL!
Colombian soccer announcer Javier Fernández is the world’s greatest sports broadcaster. Here’s James knocking in a penalty rebound for his side’s only goal in Colombia’s win over Bolivia today, as called by “El Cantante del Gol” and complete with the traditional heavy metal goal music....
The Wizards Need Rest More Than Anybody But Might Be Too Dumb To Take It
Here is how long the NBA season is: Long enough for the Washington Wizards to have gone from a bad team with a good starting five and an atrocious bench, to a good team with a great starting five and an atrocious bench, to a dark-horse Finals pick with a great starting five and a good bench, to a st...
Wayne Rooney's Potential Return To Everton Actually Makes Lots Of Sense
It’s long felt inevitable that one of these days Everton’s prodigal son Wayne Rooney would return home. Judging from a report in the Independent that quotes sources close to Everton and Manchester United as believing the move is “likely to happen” this summer, we might be mere months away from seein...
Would You Eat A Peeled Banana That Other People Touched?<em></em>
Manchester United’s Marcos Rojo brought a glimmer of excitement to an otherwise dull afternoon of Europa League soccer by eating a banana. United was up 1-0 over Rostov in the second leg of the round of 16, when Rojo, apparently, felt like he was cramping up and requested a nanner. ...
Paul Pogba Is Good
If the statement in the headline of this post—Paul Pogba is good—seems ridiculous to you, too trivially obvious to be worth saying, then you’re in luck, because it means you haven’t had your mind numbed by some of the predictably over-the-top criticism he has been subject to since joining the Premie...
Manny Ramirez's New Contract With Japanese Team Grants Unlimited Sushi And Optional Practices
Oh, to have been a fly on the wall for the negotiations of Manny Ramirez’s new contract with the Japanese independent league Kochi Island Fighting Dogs, which reportedly grants optional practices, a chauffeured Mercedes, a private hotel suite for road games, a jersey that says “Manny” on the back, a...
Jose Mourinho Talks More Shit, Says "Judas Is No. 1"
Nothing—not losing, not winning, and certainly not cascading jeers from fans of his former club—will stop Jose Mourinho from talking heaps of trash. The man simply cannot help himself. On Monday, the fighting words came after Manchester United’s 1-0 loss to Chelsea in the FA Cup quarterfinal, during...
José Mourinho Believes He Did Chelsea A Huge Favor By Being So Terrible Last Season
José Mourinho thinks he deserves credit for Chelsea’s success this season. You can tell that this is true because he has said the exact opposite....
Tiny Russian Boy Meets José Mourinho, Can't Contain His Joy
If you’d like to see what the sentence “Oh my god, this is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me!” looks like when played out in real life, this Russian kid’s reaction to seeing José Mourinho in the tunnel before yesterday’s Rostov-Manchester United match will do the trick:...
Manchester United Experience Glories Of Europa League On Rostov's Rock-Hard Pitch
Europa League staples Manchester United should probably be used to the particular quirks of Europe’s JV competition by now, but it still has to suck to step onto your opponent’s pitch—in this case, Russian club Rostov’s—the day before a match and realize just how awful playing surfaces can be....
Atlanta United Fans Break Out Homophobic Chant During Inaugural Game
Atlanta’s new MLS team made its debut on Sunday, losing to the New York Red Bulls 2-1 in front of 55,000 new fans. Some fans cheered the team on and enjoyed themselves, some fans continued to engage in embarrassing “football” cosplay, and some fans got homophobic....
After Getting His Head Stomped On, Zlatan Ibrahimović Explains Elbowing Tyrone Mings: "It Was Unlucky He Jumped Into My Elbow"
Both Tyrone Mings and Zlatan Ibrahimović somehow avoided penalties after swapping some nasty plays in Manchester United and Bournemouth’s 1-1 draw today. After first clashing when Ibrahimović seemingly pushed Mings to the ground, things really got heated just before halftime when Ibrahimović tripped...
The Future Of Innovation Is Innovation: A Day At Stanford's Sports-Business Conference<em></em>
Stanford University in the springtime is immaculate. There are no clouds in the sky and none of the aerated haze of the East Bay or the fog of San Francisco. Off to the west, the Santa Cruz Mountains gently form the outer boundary of Palo Alto. As I got lost looking for the Stanford Graduate School ...
Columnist Suggests Adrian Peterson Hit His Kid Because He Might Be Descended From Slaves<em></em>
Pete Dougherty of the Green Bay Press-Gazette wrote a column this evening for USA Today’s Wisconsin Network urging the Packers to sign free agent running back Adrian Peterson. He makes the case that Peterson still has plenty of productive football ahead of him, and writes off Peterson having whipped...
The Undefeated Goes To Ridiculous Lengths To Excuse Jameis Winston
The Poynter Institute’s Roy Peter Clark, writing for The Undefeated today, offered up the biggest lie in print this month (it’s early): “I am not inclined to give Jameis Winston the benefit of the doubt—especially when he is talking about the role of women in society.”...
Keeper Gets Way Too Mad About Giving Up Goal
Even way down in the ninth tier of English soccer, players do not like to lose. Case in point: Cray Valley Paper Mills FC goalkeeper Jordan Carey’s reaction to this Ashford United goal:...