the-big-wet-president - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Gross, Someone Let Their Cat Puke In The Stanley CupThere’s a long and storied history of NHL players putting gross shit in the Stanley Cup in the offseason after they win it all. But whoever let their cat vomit up this hairy this mound of flesh-colored puke into the Cup yesterday owes everybody an apology. In the past, the trophy’s been filled with...

Down A Hole: The Missing Scenes Of <i>Donald J. Trump's Fabulous World Of Golf</i>There are currently two cable news networks devoted to celebrating and defending Donald Trump. Both are widely watched by the most distraught elderly people in the United States, including the president himself, and Trump has made a point of involving various personalities from that network—haunted ...

This Guy Truly Has No Idea What He's Talking AboutIt is a problem for President Donald Trump that it’s often impossible to tell what the hell he’s talking about. This is not one of those signature Trump defects that can readily be spun into a secret strength or as a subtle bit of advanced dealcraft that only experts and initiates can appreciate. H...

Donald Trump: We Love Bill Belichick, Don't We, And Also Curing AIDS?

There are two versions of President Donald Trump that appear in public. They both inhabit the same body—the same Youppi-shaped torso pitched forward at the same implausible angles, same ghost-pale eyelids fluttering alarmingly, same resplendent candyfloss Kangol of hair stuck on top of it like a wei...

Donald Trump Is Not Going To Let This Hurricane Thing Go

It can be difficult to remember given that he routinely appears on television with toilet paper on the soles of both his shoes and at least one of his hands stuck in a big jug of peanut butter, but Donald Trump’s opening position in all things is that he has never been wrong. He has been wronged, an...

Look At This Weird Thing Donald Trump Just Belched Up<i></i>

In March, a young whale beached itself in Davao City, in the Philippines. When scientists from the local museum—it is, delightfully, called D’Bone Collector Natural History Museum—did a necropsy on the whale after its death, they discovered that it had starved to death because its stomach contained...

The Big President Is Now Wet

Donald Trump goes by many names, but none is more apt than “the Big Wet President,” coined by our David Roth. The second adjective gets at a spiritual if not literal truth: the leader of the free world is always just kind of limply flopping around, even if he rarely glistens in an actual coat of mo...

Donald Trump Wants This More Than Anything

Donald Trump’s taste is difficult to describe. You know it when you see it, but that’s not quite the same thing as knowing what it is. If you’re looking at a tufted velvet settee that looks like one of Michael Jackson’s bedazzled military-style blazers from the Dangerous tour, you are looking at So...