the Page 517 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
<i>Sports Illustrated</i> Washes Manny Pacquiao's Balls; Manny Pacquiao Says, "Thank You"
Today Sports Illustrated published a story about how Manny Pacquiao, boxer and sitting Phillippine senator who said gay people are worse than animals and that drug dealers should be killed, is a wise man who just loves boxing. It was very well received by Manny Pacquiao. ...
In Miracle, Orioles Somehow Manage To Avoid Falling Victim To Perfect Game
The Orioles are in the midst of a historically bad season with many lowlights that will likely be used in hospitals all over the country to help patients induce vomiting. But to those cursed with supporting this team, I bring good news. Baltimore showed on Sunday that the depths of their awfulness d...
Atlantic League Batter Steals First, Makes Baseball History
Around the time that robot umpires were brought in to help officiate the Atlantic League All-Star Game, Major League Baseball and the independent league’s front office decided to tack on a few more rules to experiment with for the second half of the season. Among them included an expansion on the cu...
Here's Josh Norman Leaping Over A Bull In Pamplona
I guarantee you this is the best football-adjacent highlight you’ll see all day. This stretch of July is when thousands of brave/stupid people travel to Pamplona, Spain to put their bodies at risk, and Washington cornerback Josh Norman was there to face a foe much scarier than the Los Angeles Rams o...
Jacoby Brissett Asks A Cosmic-Brained Question About The Cosmos
The summer offseason is a time for NFL football players to get away from the game, rest, heal, and pursue various forms of personal fulfillment. For Colts backup quarterback Jacoby Brissett, this is a time for pondering the big questions of, literally, the universe. Like, for example, whether the Su...
Report: Cubs Co-Owner Todd Ricketts Has Been Getting Away With Not Paying His Full Property Taxes
Thanks to an open records request filed by the Chicago Tribune, we now know that Todd Ricketts, finance chairman of the Republican National Committee and co-owner of the Chicago Cubs, has been getting a substantial tax break that he doesn’t deserve thanks to false documents filed by his attorney....
Harvard Fires Fencing Coach Over Shady Home Sale To Recruit's Wealthy Father
Harvard University has fired longtime fencing coach Peter Brand, who was involved in an admissions scandal having to do with the extremely suspect circumstances of the sale of his home to the family of a high school junior who was later admitted to Harvard as a fencing recruit....
USWNT Turned The Netherlands Into Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice And Won The Women's World Cup
After a long week that seemed to focus more on the hurt feelings of some English fans—and perhaps even tea-drinkers in general—than the final game of this tournament, the USWNT defeated the Netherlands 2-0 to win their fourth Women’s World Cup title. Purple-haired American hero Megan Rapinoe and Was...
The Netherlands Beat Sweden, Will Meet USWNT In Women's World Cup Final
The Netherlands haven’t exactly been the free-flowing, highlight-making, net-assaulting bunch at this World Cup that their talent and our expectations would’ve predicted, though I’m sure the Dutch and their endearingly rabid fans aren’t too bothered by that. Not after today, when the Oranje beat Swe...
Please, I Ask You All, Murder Me With Butter
Just in time for July 4th, Michelin-starred chef and angry British person Gordon Ramsay made the below YouTube video to show you how to grill a hamburger. Why you would trust this man to make you a proper burger over Ron Swanson, I do not know. Why Ramsay needs a full 10 minutes to show you how he d...
The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is This Soccer Cow Winning A Game Of Keep Away
If USWNT manager Jill Ellis is in need of an instructional video to teach her players the finer points of shielding the ball from the opposition when trying to waste time down by the corner flag, she need look no further than this video of an Indian soccer cow’s impressive display of defensive posse...
The Florida Panthers Found Their Goalie
The reinvention of the Florida Panthers continued today with a massive new contract for free agent goaltender Sergei Bobrovsky, worth a reported $70 million over the next seven years. By signing the two-time Vezina winner and former Blue Jacket, the Panthers hope that they’ve captured a key ingredie...
Recently Promoted Spanish Soccer Club Renamed As Flat Earth FC
After earning promotion to the Spanish fourth flight division, the club formerly known as Mostoles Balompie got a complete rebrand from president Javi Poves and was renamed Flat Earth FC. Poves confirmed in a video statement that the change was intended to support one of the dumbest fringe beliefs:...
Report: Dutch Couple Claims Wesley Sneijder Drunkenly Danced And Urinated On Their Car
An 35-year-old bald man was arrested last Sunday after he drunkenly danced, hopped and urinated on a car in Utrecht. Initial reports speculated that it was former UEFA Champions League winner Wesley Sneijder in video clips and grainy photos of the incident, but now the elderly couple that owns the c...
The Netherlands Huffed And Puffed Until They Blew Italy’s Defense Down
Just because the Netherlands narrowly survived their round of 16 match against Japan thanks to a late penalty didn’t mean that they were out of the woods yet with the tough obstacles ahead of them in the knockout stage of the Women’s World Cup. In fact, on paper their Saturday match up with Italy se...
Bees Bug Cricketers
It was absolute scenes in the North of England today during a World Cup match between Sri Lanka and South Africa, as players were forced to duck for cover when a swam of bees invaded the grounds....
Ancient War Goblin Henry Kissinger Defends Olympics In <i>Los Angeles Times</i>
Every global-scale sporting event exists in a strange standoff with itself. On one side is the inevitable bloat and graft and soul-deep cynicism that animates every such event—the neighborhoods flattened or surveilled or otherwise punished for sitting where a stadium is supposed to be, the bribery a...
Behold The Destructive Force Of An F5 Poop Tornado
Last Thursday, a “sewer blockage” in the town of Melrose, Massachusetts, had city workers scrambling to restore flow across the town’s entire system. The blockage was eventually cleared, but not before it created what one affected resident described as a “tornado of poop” in her bathroom, after raw ...
Joey Votto Treats Heckler With The Appropriate Level Of Respect
By now, hecklers should know better than to mess with Reds first baseman Joey Votto. There are enough documented instances of him clowning opposing fans (and Cincinnati’s own) that the best strategy is to just let him be. One Angels fan at Tuesday night’s game chose not to do that, and although it’s...
Tommy La Stella's Blessed Season Continues With Leadoff Inside-The-Park Dinger
It is now late June, which means if you can’t at least feign excitement about a leadoff inside-the-park home run in an interleague baseball game, you are staring down a summer of relatively slim pickings, VAR-marred World Cup soccer notwithstanding. Please, before you reduce yourself to hunting for ...