this Page 9 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Dipshit Florida Legislators’ Plan To Move To Atlantic Standard Time Will Wreak Havoc On Sports In The Sunshine State<em></em>
Florida’s heavily GOP legislature last month pushed through a bill that would move most of the state out of a daylight saving time-observing Eastern time zone and into year-round Atlantic Standard Time; Sen. Marco Rubio last week announced the plans to confirm the change in an act of Congress. This ...
Whoever Wrote Kirk Cousins's Farewell Blog Used "Vikings" And "Jets" Tags<em></em>
Kirk Cousins announced in a blog post today on KirkCousins.org that he will not return to Washington. In the blog, Cousins expresses gratitude towards the city and his teammates, and talks about getting to choose his next team for the first time in over a decade, but more importantly, whoever wrote ...
Birds Are Good
It has come to my attention that some people do not like all birds. This or that bird is not good, they are saying or thinking or blogging nearly two years ago. But actually, whatever bird they are talking about is good. Birds are good....
Would You Rather Be On A Barf Plane Or Have Your Flight Delayed?
Today, crazy winds wreaked havoc on the Northeast, blowing over trees, knocking out power, and causing a bunch of people on an airplane to barf their brains out....
Look At This Stupid Baby<em></em>
Here we have President Diaper, a fussy young infant who rarely sleeps through the night uninterrupted—and is known to be quite a handful during the daytime as well!—forced to listen for an agonizing 58 seconds as the governor of Washington state explains why arming teachers is a bad idea....
Dogs That Should Have Won The Westminster Dog Show Instead Of This Silly Fluff Ball
Behold! The winner of the 142nd Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show: none other than Flynn the bichon frise, pictured above. A very good dog—aren’t they all?—and yet, from my point of view as an idiot completely uneducated on the subject, not the best dog. Clearly not the best dog. Flynn, like any bich...
Barstool Employee Unhappy About Being Filmed In The Shower By His Boss
On Saturday, Barstool Sports president and short-tempered Adderall pill Dave Portnoy posted a video of one of his employees, Adam Smith, naked in the shower. Portnoy published the video to Twitter and then deleted it because, he said, Smith “cried like a baby about his dick being on the internet.”...
What Time Does 'What Time Does The Super Bowl Start?' Start?
Time is a social construct cooked up by humankind to impose some modicum of order onto an otherwise chaotic existence. But with that said, Super Bowl 52 will kick off this weekend. At some point. Who will win “the big game”? That’s not for me to say. What time does it start? Now there’s a good quest...
The NFL's Women Summit Was The Mindless Pandering It Always Was Meant To Be
First, let’s get this out of the way: The NFL and its franchises are a corporate enterprise. They exist to make money. They don’t exist to do anything else. They do not exist to make this a better world. They do not exist to uplift anyone. They do not exist to enact change on inequality or ending po...
Fancy Dog Tom Brady Says He Was Once Bitten By Pooch After Unintentional Display Of Dominance
Tom Brady, who has previously been revealed as a fancy dog by this very website, told a story today in which he outlined one of the primary dangers a fancy dog faces in today’s world: unwanted attention from a mean dog....
The New XFL Sounds Nothing Like The Old One
The XFL returned today with a rap. Really....
What's The Best Possible Animal Army In A Battle To The Death?
Here’s a rock-dumb hypothetical the staff has been arguing about for a few hours: If you were forced to choose two groups of fighters from the following draft class of eight kinds of animals and one guy with a gun, what’s the best possible defense you can construct for yourself against the remaining...
Congratulations To Deadspin For This Blog Post About LeBron James's Instagram
Today, LeBron James congratulated himself for scoring his 30,000th career point, a feat he will likely accomplish tonight as he’s just seven points shy of the mark....
Bill Simmons Is A Fucking Embarrassment<em></em>
Look man, I know Ley already posted about it earlier but for real, get a fucking load of this Bill Simmons column that dropped today. It’s a fucking disgrace. There have been so many awful Bill Simmons takes throughout history, including this one, this one, and this one. You could make a Hall of Fa...
How Old Is Edwin Jackson?
Driving to every major league ballpark that Edwin Jackson has called home, one by one, in order, would require driving for more than 16,000 miles to reach 11 stadiums. (Toronto not included on this hypothetical road trip; he was on the Blue Jays’ roster for a few hours between trades at the 2011 dea...
Order The Veggie Burger With Bacon
More often than is smart, I find myself at a bar and desperately in need of sustenance with dwindling options. Maybe you’re an idiot like me, or maybe you work nights at a bar or restaurant and need to eat something satisfying that won’t knock you on your ass mid-shift. And when you ask a server if ...
Cultural References In This NFL.com Sean McVay Profile, Ranked
The longtime Sports Illustrated writer Michael Silver works for the NFL now, and it appears that his editors there are finally allowing him to live his dream of writing like a prestigious version of Bill Simmons circa 2002. His lengthy profile of Rams head coach Sean McVay is packed with more pop cu...
Someone Explain To Me The Alien Alloys Before I Fucking Explode
Hello, hi, yes, hello. We’ve all seen this, right? This story in the New York Fucking Times about the Pentagon’s $22 million Oh Shit There Might Be Aliens program? We’ve all read it? We’ve all engaged with the evidence within the story, written in part by two journalists who have won Pulitzer Prizes...
Please Do Check Out The Spicy Drama Going Down At The International Society For The History Of The Map
I’ve found, personally, an inverse correlation between how interesting an institutional power squabble is and how significant the institution in question is. A power squabble at the highest levels of a large national government, for example, is not really interesting; it will very often be terrifyin...
Here's The Only Hot Stove Glossary You'll Ever Need
Today marks the first full day of baseball’s Winter Meetings, that wonderful annual gathering in which baseball executives text each other trade proposals in closer physical proximity to one another than is usually the case while baseball writers repeatedly get drunk at the same hotel bar. This spec...