ti Page 1094 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Mets Closer Jeurys Familia Suspended 15 Games After Domestic Violence Arrest
Four days before Opening Day, MLB has announced its long-awaited suspension for New York Mets pitcher Jeurys Familia after a November 2016 arrest after an alleged domestic violence incident involving his wife. ...
Would You, Personally, Kill Assad?
The modern world is full of people who love to proclaim that they would have killed Hitler. Okay, sure, sure. But what would you do now? ...
Cristiano Ronaldo Honored With Hideous Bust That May Be Imbued With Dark Magic
The eyes! For the love of god, do not look into the eyes!...
Where Will The Raiders Play The Next Three Years?
The Raiders are off to Las Vegas, but—not just yet. Construction has not yet begun on their fancy new stadium, financed with $750 million in taxpayer money, and it won’t be ready for action until 2020. That leaves three seasons, and for at least one of them—probably more—they’ll have to find somewh...
It Wasn't Pretty, But The USMNT Did What They Needed To Do
A full, complete highlight reel from the USMNT’s 1-1 draw with Panama this evening is as follows:...
Wonderteen Christian Pulisic Undresses A Pair Of Defenders, Serves Up Opening Goal
This evening’s USMNT-Panama match was soggy, goalless, and uneventful for the first 39 minutes, until America’s greatest teenager, Christian Pulisic, owned a pair of experienced Panamanian defenders and put an easy assist on a platter for Clint Dempsey. Felipe Baliy and Roman Torres are two of Panam...
Bruce Arena Has Some Dumb Ideas About Who Created Christian Pulisic<em></em>
Jurgen Klinsmann was an arrogant jerk with a penchant for demoralizing his players and pissing off powerful executives in the American soccer scene with his lofty ideas about how to shake up American soccer as it has been—a culture that consistently puts out a motley crew of under-talented overachie...
Good News: The NFL Has More Rules
As everyone knows, the best part of the NFL season is when the league gets the chance to add rules and bylaws to an already-impenetrable rulebook. One of the new additions is a ban on players jumping over linemen to block field goal kicks....
What To Do When An Old Friend Wants You To Join A Pyramid Scheme
Have you ever gotten a weird phone call from your home area code? Or maybe someone you used to know randomly invites you over to dinner, mentioning something about a business opportunity. These are sure signs that someone is trying get you involved in a pyramid scheme, and that’s bad, because pyrami...
Ahead For 9,400 Meters, Joshua Cheptegei Wobbles To Finish At World Cross Country Championships
With 2,000 meters left in the weekend’s World Cross Country Championship, 20-year-old Ugandan Joshua Cheptegei was leading the most important race of his young life, in front of the home crowd. The glory was his; he had almost 50 meters on pre-race favorite and cross country legend Geoffrey Kamworor...
Look At Jay Cutler's Ass
Jay Cutler’s unemployed and on vacation, which means that instead of worrying about preparing for the Jets, the quarterback gets to enjoy the weather and pose nude for wife Kristin Cavallari’s Instagram. A photo of Cutler’s butt lies within this post; consider yourself warned....
FIFA Suspends Lionel Messi Four Matches For Yelling At Referee
FIFA handed Lionel Messi a four-match suspension from international play today in response to an incident after last week’s Argentina-Chile match when Messi was seen insulting a referee. With only five matches left in a World Cup Qualifying process in which Argentina have struggled, there is a very ...
Dear President Trump: Throwing Out The First Pitch At The Nats Game Will Heal This Nation
Dear Mr. President, ...
Auburn Softball Player Isn't Here For Florida Coach's Bullshit
Auburn’s softball team beat Florida 1-0 yesterday, and after the game Tigers shortstop Haley Fagan got into it with Florida head coach Tim Walton....
Alexis Sanchez Looks Like An Adorable Little Baby In His License Photo
Over the weekend, two days after Chile’s 1-0 World Cup qualifier loss to Argentina and three days before their must-win qualifier against Venezuela, star striker Alexis Sanchez was fined for driving 96 mph (155 kph) near Santiago, Chile, according to Chilean website EMOL. His court date has reported...
Tim Tebow's Prayers To Make Contact With A Max Scherzer Fastball Were Not Answered<em></em><em></em>
Mets farmhand Tim Tebow started at left field this afternoon in a spring training game against the Nationals and their ace Max Scherzer. Tebow will begin the season playing Class A ball with the Columbia Fireflies, but he’ll finish up spring training with the Mets, where he’s been having some issues...
FBI Records Show Vince McMahon's Dad Caught On Tape Bragging About Threatening A Wrestler
It’s officially WrestleMania week, the biggest of the year in professional wrestling. The major events really get going on Friday night with the annual WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony. A mix of mainstream-sports hall of fame ceremony, Kennedy Center honors, and crass branding exercise, it’s one ...
Nike Drapes Its Athletes In A Mess Of Green Puke
Roger Federer rolled right through Juan Martin del Potro in the third round of the Miami Open, 6-4, 6-3. It was what you’d expect: forehand winners aplenty on both sides; Fed giving the big guy no absolutely no time to ease his way into the point; Delpo proving that he still can hit the crap out of ...
Cornell Would Like To Share Some Extremely Unbiased Information About Evil Unions
Today, thousands of graduate students at Cornell University will vote on whether or not to form a union. Fortunately, the school’s deans are on hand to answer all your questions in a distinctly neutral tone of voice....
Wait, Let's Clown These Scrub-Ass Doofuses Some More
Seventeen days. That’s how much stamina flinty-eyed deal master Donald Trump, sober policy knower Paul Ryan, and all the Republican Party had for a health care overhaul they’d been promising for seven years, before the work of negotiating amongst themselves overwhelmed them and they retired to their...