ti Page 1953 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Kerwin Danley Takes His Umply Lumps
Home plate umpire and crew chief Kerwin Danley took a 96 mph Brad Penny fastball to the jaw in the 4th inning of the Dodgers 11-3 win over the Rockies last night. The game was delayed 18 minutes and Danley had to be taken off the field in an ambulance. A Dodgers spokesman said Danley lost consciousn...
Message To This Kid's Future Defense Attorney: Blame Name or Haircut
This unfortunate youngster, other than being forced by parental duress to sport the bowl cut, was born unto a couple of deranged Spurs fans. How unhinged, exactly? Instead of buying a team photo or something to encapsulate their love for the team, they decided to put the whole roster into their kid'...
1st Round, Eighteenth Overall: Ravens Select Joe Flacco
Joe Flacco came from a bad neighborhood. Audubon, New Jersey, is rougher than the Little Rock with East St. Louis piled on top of it. Flacco graduated from Audubon High School, which is so rough that there are medal detectors in the faculty lounge, where even the math teachers are pumped up muscle m...
1st Round, Sixteenth Overall: Buzzsaw Selects Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie
You better adjust the tracking on your VCR if you want to watch game tape of Rodgers-Cromartie. Tennessee State games are taped using the surveillance cameras at the Stop & Rob across the street. "The tape is not real clear. You have to find him. This reminds me of an older time in scouting," accor...
1st Round, Ninth Overall: Bengals Select Keith Rivers
Keep standing pat, ye mighty Bengals! The Jags and Pats leapt over you to take defenders you so badly needed, guys you targeted so heavily that you sent your line coach to molest them at their pro days. Your star wide receiver plans to toilet paper team headquarters. Your other receiver, whose name...
Teddy Wins His First Presidents Race!
Only to get disqualified by Screech, the world's most useless mascot, for cutting a corner of the warning track. He was just following Cartman's advice! That's okay, because I found Frank Robinson sitting with me in the bleeds down the right field line. As for the game, the Nats jumped to a lead wi...
NBA Playoffs: A Friday Night Viewer's Guide
It's Friday. Take a break from thinking for yourself and let me tell you what to pay attention to during tonight's games....
Media Approval Ratings: Pam Oliver
We forget, sometimes, just how unstable the life of a broadcast journalist can really be. Witness the following paragraph from Pam Oliver's Wikipedia page....
About Last Night ...
What you missed while recovering from spousal carrot-related violence ... • NHL: Second-line wing helps Wings wing Avalanche, 4-3. • MLB: Ah, the lost art of the doubleheader sweep ... not to mention the .028 ERA. Indians 9-2, Royals 6-0. • NBA: Rockets realize it's a best-of-seven deal, begin tryin...
NBA Playoffs: A Thursday Night Viewer's Guide
There are still many unanswered questions about the world in which we live, but science has proven two things: Hot chicks rule (see above) and it becomes increasingly difficult to think the closer we get to the weekend. So I'm here to let you know what you should look out for in tonight's NBA playof...
Hey! NCAA! Look Over There! Some Guy's Blogging!
You might remember, back in December, when the NCAA unleashed its hilarious rules on live blogging, which included this gem about how often live blogs could be "updated":...
Rich Rodriguez Era Off To A Rousing Start
Former University of Michigan offensive lineman Justin Boren is now officially an Ohio State Buckeye, a development which has caused much gnashing of teeth around college football. This is the first time ever that a Wolverines player has gone over to play for their most hated rival, which should rai...
Jay Glazer Owns The NFL
There's this thing about Jay Glazer that kind of makes you like him and annoyed by him at the same time. He seems like type of guy you'd hit the 50-cent wing and $8 pitcher special with at a bar for six hours, but then he'd get bored and drag you to a way-too fancy club just because "he knows people...
Media Approval Ratings: Ernie Johnson (Update: Now With Actual VOTING)
After almost universal love tossed in the general direction of the TNT NBA crew, time to look at Ernie Johnson....
Ken Griffey Jr., Quiet, Slugging Non-Steroid User
Ken Griffey Jr. is three homers away from his 600th, which would make him only the sixth man to reach the lofty plateau. The other five are Barry Bonds, Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, Hank Aaron and ... Sammy Sosa. Sportaphile wonders: Why isn't everybody talking about how amazing a milestone it is?...
Look Deep Into The Gullet Of Joey Chestnut
Actually, he shares the blog with fellow competitive eater Pat Bertoletti, and in the above video, he shows off his training regimen. Yes: He fires himself for eating asparagus by listening to Rob Zombie. Who wouldn't?...
Brazil's Ballooning Death Count
So, do you remember that time when you did one too many hits off the gravity bong and you decided to a walk outside to get some fresh air, but then you bugged out and ran back inside because you thought you saw a priest being carried away by a bunch of helium party balloons?...
Olympic Torch Relay Update: We're Runnin' In Circles Here!
OK, we have a new leader for the lamest Olympic Torch Relay idea yet: In Jakarta, Indonesia on Tuesday, torch runners did laps inside of a closed stadium in order to avoid protests. Yes, in this genius move, all the Indonesian torch runners took turns running in circles, as a crowd that was hand-pi...
Media Approval Ratings: Tom Jackson
Because it's Draft Week, we're focusing on some NFL guys this week, and we always like to touch on Tom Jackson whenever we have the chance....