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Here Is An Unbelievably Useless ESPN Report About Tom Brady
The headline on ESPN scoopmaster Adam Schefter’s latest report about Tom Brady—“Sources: Tom Brady has yet to commit to playing ‘18 season for Pats”—probably won’t get your juices flowing. “Yet to commit” doesn’t mean he won’t, or that he’s even been asked to, and so I imagine you’ll go into the sto...

Eric Bledsoe On The Guy Currently Beating His Ass: "I Don't Even Know Who The Fuck That Is"
Bucks point guard Eric Bledsoe has not played very well in his team’s first two playoff games against the Boston Celtics, and his squad is now down 0-2 in the series. Bledsoe is shooting just 36 percent from the field in the series, and has been thoroughly outplayed by Boston’s backup-turned-startin...

Capitals Somehow Manage Not To Lose An Overtime Playoff Game
It had been two games of the same script so far in the Capitals-Blue Jackets series—Washington loses on a gut punch in overtime—but tonight, the Caps themselves actually caught a bit of luck, as they survived double overtime to beat Columbus on the road in Game 3, 3-2....

Suddenly, Jaylen Brown Is The Celtics' New Leader
The Boston Celtics are generally broken and injured for this year’s playoffs, but after a 120-106 win to take a 2-0 series lead over the Bucks, they’re in prime position to survive at least the first round. And for both of the Celtics’ wins so far in the postseason, they owe a huge debt to Jaylen Br...

Anthony Rizzo Thinks Baseball Could Have A Shorter Season
A trendpiece’s worth of baseball games have already been canceled this season because of inclement/completely seasonal weather, and also because of a hole in the Blue Jays’ roof. Jackie Robinson Day as well as the Red Sox’s Marathon Monday were hamstrung by poor playing conditions. Cubs first basema...

Goalkeeper Gives Up Very Dumb Goal After Forgetting Where He Kicked The Ball
League One side Shrewsbury Town dropped a 2-0 match to Charlton Athletic this afternoon, with the clincher coming right at the end of the second half. Shrewsbury keeper Dean Henderson tried to clear the rock out of his half, but instead he punted it into the air, lost track of it, and served up a ta...

One Sketchy Photo Shoot Landed This Woman's Face On Everything From Bottled Water To Vaginal Cream
Katy Gaines made her world debut on a billboard ad for a health food store in Portugal. Shortly afterwards, she popped up hawking cell phone data on the side of a bus in Oslo. Even in Orange County, where Gaines grew up, a friend recognized her on the pamphlet for a teeth whitening treatment. She’s ...

Who Does This Alleged Trump Goon Remind You Of?
Lawyers for Stormy Daniels released a sketched drawing of a man that Daniels says threatened her in a parking lot in 2011 after her alleged affair with Donald Trump. The goon is described as being a handsome fellow between 5-foot-9 and 6-foot, with a “lean but fit” profile....

The Mets Previewed A Dark, Mets-y Future Last Night
The New York Mets entered Monday night’s game against the Nationals with the National League’s best record, its sturdiest bullpen, and a way-too-early-to-matter 36 percent chance of winning their division. They carried a 6-1 lead into the eighth, then sent their fans home feeling awful thanks to the...

The Weather At The Boston Marathon Overwhelmed The World's Best Distance Runners
The men’s and women’s races at Monday’s Boston Marathon were won by two of the unlikeliest people. Desi Linden was the first American woman to win Boston since the race became fully professional in 1986; the men’s race was won by Yuki Kawauchi, who isn’t really a professional. (He has a full-time go...

World Cup Hero Carli Lloyd Is Back Home In New Jersey To Build A Fanbase For Sky Blue FC<em></em>
In the weeks leading up to Carli Lloyd’s home debut with Sky Blue FC, the ticket requests came fast and furious from her friends and family. But by the time the Delran, N.J. native and women’s soccer icon stepped on Yurcak Field Sunday afternoon, the headcount had diminished greatly. The prospect of...

Nothing Matters, But LaMarcus Aldridge Was Awesome Last Night
They have to say they believe they can win, of course. More than that, they have to actually believe that it’s at least possible, or they would not be the sorts of people capable of claiming the West’s seventh playoff seed with a roster that looks like somebody sat on a keyboard. None of the rest of...

Gregg Popovich's Praise Of LaMarcus Aldridge Felt Rather Pointed
The Spurs are down 0-2 to the Warriors in their first-round playoff series, and Kawhi Leonard is not with the team. The reasons for that are still somehow impossibly murky—Leonard has been dealing with an injured quad muscle all year; he may or may not have been healthy enough to play for some time ...

This Save Is Bonkers
It doesn’t take much imagination—“if he’d been just a centimeter out of position there” or “if that had been just half an inch to the right”—to imagine most blocked shots as goals. But, goddamn, this one below is almost easier to imagine as the hypothetical goal that it wasn’t than the actual save t...

Bryce Harper Delivers Sweet, Sweet Broken-Bat Home Run
Bryce Harper entered today with a major-league leading seven home runs, and he didn’t waste any time in boosting that total tonight. In the first inning of this evening’s game against the New York Mets, he took a Jacob deGrom fastball deep—and broke his bat at the same time, leaving him clutching ju...

Blue Jays Game In Jeopardy (Update: Canceled!) Because There's A Damn Hole In The Roof
It’s been a rough weather weekend for MLB, with six games postponed yesterday and two more today. That list might grow to three, because not even a climate-controlled dome is safe....

Pro-Trump Spurs Fans Willingly Show Their Asses, Complain About Gregg Popovich's Politics
The Washington Post today published a Cletus safari of Donald Trump supporters, but with a twist—these people are also fans of the San Antonio Spurs, whose coach, Gregg Popovich, isn’t shy about giving his liberal takes to the press. Popovich’s criticism of the president—and not the fact that the se...

The Boston Marathon Had Two Shocking Winners<em></em>
You will read, and in fact are reading right now, that Desi Linden and Yuki Kawauchi’s times (2:39:54 and 2:15:58) were the slowest winning times in the Boston Marathon in 40 and 42 years, respectively. You should pay this no mind—given the brutal rain and headwinds in which the race was run, and gi...
![Let's Spend Way Too Much Time Breaking Down An Adorable Little Girl's Quest For A Puck [UPDATE]](https://images.deadspin.com/tr:w-900/a3zmbun0k7rt8ehrsaxu.png)
Let's Spend Way Too Much Time Breaking Down An Adorable Little Girl's Quest For A Puck [UPDATE]
On Sunday, a cute little girl sitting in the money seats at the Caps playoff game banged on the glass as Brett Connolly skated by. He noticed her and tried to flip her a puck over the glass, but a dad-person behind her caught it and handed it to the young fan beside her. She was sad. The same thing ...

NHL Linesman Can't Stop Getting Gruesomely Injured
Capitals winger Andre Burakovsky suffered an “upper-body injury” on a big check in Sunday’s 5-4 overtime loss to the Blue Jackets, and will not travel to Columbus for the series’ next two games. He got off easy compared to linesman Steve Barton....