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If You Taunt Gary One More Time, He's Received Permission From His Wife To Fight You In Real Life
As we've seen with our "Life Lessons" segment, some people take sports way too seriously. But none as serious as fantasy football players. Each week, we'll feature some of the whiniest, bitchiest, nastiest, most sociopathic emails from this group of very special people so you can point and laugh at ...

Nice Backpack, Rookie
Your morning roundup for Aug. 29, the day we learned stale beer works wonders as a wood polish. Photo of Padres rookie Anthony Bass via Big League Stew. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors....

Ric Flair Is Threatening To Sue Grantland Over "Falsehoods" In Their Story, Even Though The "Falsehoods" Came From Flair's Book
WOOOO, boy. TMZ reports that Ric Flair, noted pro wrestler, is weighing his legal options against Grantland, Bill Simmons' sports-prose panacea, after the site published a long piece this week by Shane Ryan on Flair's legal trouble. ...

"Let's Get This Clown Out Of Here": We Crashed ESPN's State Of The Union Address And Got Caught
Let's make one thing clear up top: Norby invited me. That would be Norby Williamson, ESPN's executive vice president of production. I have the email right here. Sent from [email protected] at 4:09 p.m. on Aug. 5. Subject line: "2011 'State of the Union' Talent Meeting - Sent on Behalf of Norby W...

Cockblocked By Lovesickness!
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....

The 2011 Hater's Guide To Fantasy Football (NFC)
In case you missed it, here was the AFC preview. Now it’s time for Andy Behrens and I to take on the NFC. Off we go. ...

Perhaps Bengals Fans Would Be Happier If They Were To Follow Carson Palmer's Lead
It's August 26, the day we keep hearing something about a hurricane that's apparently headed for New York City. Photo courtesy Trey, via @sportsfeeder1. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors....

32 Paragraphs About 32 NFL Teams From The 2011 Football Outsiders Almanac
The following is excerpted from the team chapters of the always-excellent Football Outsiders almanac. Buy the PDF for $12 or order the book for $21.95....

Escape From Bristol: An Update On The Condition Of Our ESPN-Infiltrating Correspondent
After a bout of questioning from ESPN executive vice president Norby Williamson, Deadspin's Tommy Craggs has been released from Bristol headquarters and sent on his way back to New York. Despite having invited Craggs to the company's state-of-the-union event and having given him a temporary employee...

SPECIAL REPORT FROM INSIDE BRISTOL HQ: LIVEBLOGGING THE ESPN STATE-OF-THE-UNION ADDRESS
In continuation of Deadspin's tradition of extremely close-up coverage of the elephant that is ESPN, we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for a series of live transmissions from a reporter stationed at ankle level inside the Worldwide Leader's annual all-company meeting. That's Chris Be...

The 2011 Hater's Guide To Fantasy Football (AFC)
Every year, I do a fantasy football preview with Andy Behrens of Yahoo. We usually do this as a podcast, but my equipment crapped out this year and so you get a written preview instead. So let’s get right to it. As always, the goal of Behrens and me is to give you as much relevant information about ...

Who Does <em>ESPN The Magazine</em>'s White Michael Vick Look Like, And Why Is He Here?
The weird photo illustration (AJ says he looks like Brian Austin Green; do you have other ideas?) accompanied a weird story from ESPN: The Mag's Vick issue. We are dumbfounded. ...

I Have Spent All Night Searching For Unintentional Dong Shapes In Hurricane Irene Images, You Bastards
It's August 25, the day after we were told that yesterday's shorter WUD post format was unacceptable. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors...

Report: Mike Flanagan Killed Himself Over 'Prolonged Failure' Of The Baltimore Orioles (Updated)
WBAL reports that former Orioles pitcher Mike Flanagan, television announcer and top executive, was found dead on his Baltimore County property Wednesday afternoon and that sources confirmed that Flanagan took his own life 'despondent over what he considered a false perception from a community he ...

Big Fan Chad McGhee Wants You Join Him To Watch The Knox City Greyhounds Reach For Football Immortality
Much has changed for Chad McGhee since he was hereby nominated for consideration as the biggest high-school football fan in the history of the game. ...

Chad Ochocinco Says He Will Reimburse The Buccaneers Rookie Who Jacked Him Up And Got Fined $20K
Rookie Buccaneers linebacker Mason Foster may have two first names, but he doesn't have a lot of money. He's a rookie, and a third-round pick, which means $20,000 means more to him than it does to, say, Chad Ochocinco, the Patriots receiver Foster hit in last Thursday's preseason game....

Readers: Let's Come Up With A Less Awful Trophy For The Winner Of Iowa-Iowa State
Now that the Iowa Corn Growers Association and the Iowa Corn Promotion Board have abandoned their ill-fated agrarian-robot-family-allegory design for the Cy-Hawk Trophy, how will the victors in the annual football showdown between Iowa and Iowa State know they've won? Please help bail out the corn i...

This Is The Bloodied Marine That LSU's Jordan Jefferson Allegedly Kicked In The Face
We were sent this image purporting to be of the good samaritan, returning from Marine Corps training, who rushed to break up a Baton Rouge bar fight and ended up getting pummeled by at least four LSU players. We've been unable to confirm—the cops have instituted a media blackout, to the extent that ...

Exit Felix Pie; Luke Scott Will Have To Find A New Dark-Skinned Teammate To Throw Banana Chips At
Baseball's most discomfiting buddy comedy is near cancellation: Yesterday, the Baltimore Orioles designated outfielder Felix Pie for assignment, effectively ending his role as the some-of-my-best-friends-are-black clubhouse foil for redneck performance artist Luke Scott. ...

Leaked Emails Show A <em>Newsweek</em> Reporter Trying To Set A Picky Shaq Up With Some Girls (He Only Wants Rihanna)
As far as we know, Shaquille O'Neal—divorced a few years back—is happy with his comically out-of-proportion lover, Nicole "Hoopz" Alexander....