us Page 576 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Texans Give Up On Brock Osweiler, Give Browns A Second-Round Pick To Take Him
Glorioski, we have a true Scheftbomb. The Texans are done with quarterback Brock Osweiler after one season, and are giving the Browns a 2018 second-round pick to take his contract off their hands. Holy shit....
Trump's Budget: Less Housing, More Bombs
Budgets are where political and moral priorities get stated. How sick are our priorities today? ...
Report: Kirk Cousins Does Not Like That
Another March in D.C. The Skins are trying to humiliate their GM into quitting; the team’s cheerleaders accidentally made a sixth-grade class horny; and Dan Snyder’s generally being a supreme penis. Quarterback Kirk Cousins wants to get off this ride, according to ESPN’s Chris Mortensen....
Oh, Will You Shut Up About Defense Already?
So, we’ve been bickering about the NBA’s MVP award the past couple days; it’s March, the sports calendar is dead, people get bored, you start fighting over this sort of thing to pass the time. I blogged about it yesterday; Tom Scocca blogged about it today. Both times, the crux of the argument has b...
Barcelona Knew They Could Do The Impossible
The most revelatory story that emerged before today’s Barcelona-PSG Champions League rematch was a funny little nugget about Barcelona’s outsized confidence in their impending victory....
American Wonderteen Christian Pulisic Stomped All Over Benfica<em></em>
Borussia Dortmund lost 1-0 to Benfica in Lisbon, Portugal two weeks ago, necessitating a strong performance today in the second leg of their Round of 16 Champions League tie to advance. They needn’t worry, because the wonderteen was there. ...
The Buss Brothers Sure Don't Seem Very Competent Or Well-Liked
Five days ago Los Angeles Lakers president and part-owner Jeanie Buss went to court to prevent her older brothers, Jim and Johnny, from removing her as the team’s controlling owner. They claim the entire thing is a misunderstanding and that they were calling for the annual meeting to vote on the tea...
Democratic Process Gives Every Idiot A Voice
The true spirit of our Founding Fathers was celebrated this week in Bayonne, New Jersey, where the local quacks, racists, and morons were allowed to voice their stupid views at a zoning hearing. ...
Are You Sure Russell Westbrook Should Be MVP? Consider These Stats
An NBA season is not a triple-double-getting contest. Yesterday, Albert Burneko argued that the discussion about who deserves the NBA Most Valuable Player award has lately gone off track—that Russell Westbrook, averaging a triple-double for the Oklahoma City Thunder, has been so thoroughly and overw...
Russell Westbrook, Oh My God
Russell Westbrook’s season-long mania reached a furious, wailing-electric-guitar pitch in Tuesday night’s game against the Portland Trail Blazers. He scored a career-high 58 points, but it wasn’t enough to get Oklahoma City Thunder the win, an apt metaphor for their season....
USWNT Concedes A Pair Of Easy Goals To France
France took a 2-0 lead against the United States Women’s National Team into halftime tonight without having to do much besides let Eugénie Le Sommer run at the USWNT’s center backs and let them fall over themselves to give her easy paths to goal. It started in the seventh minute, when Allie Long got...
Russell Westbrook Is The Goddamn MVP, Clowns!
San Antonio’s Kawhi Leonard had a fabulous game last night against the Houston Rockets. He scored 39 points—17 in the fourth quarter alone—on only 18 shots. He nailed the game-deciding three-pointer with 25 seconds left, then sprinted half the length of the floor to deliver the even more game-decidi...
What Is This?
Ciara, the baby in her belly, little Future, and Russell Wilson posed for a photo. See if you can find Russ:...
No Move Makes More Sense Than Tony Romo To The Broncos
Tony Romo, despite missing all but four games to injury over the last two seasons, is probably the most in-demand quarterback on the market. The Broncos are probably the best overall team with a massive hole at quarterback, and the motivation to quickly plug in an effective veteran. So, Romo-to-Denv...
You Wanted Just A Little Bit Of Xenophobia, But Got Too Much
Every birthday I get an overseas call from my grandma, always early in the morning due to time zones. This was the first year that call was tinged with concern that I would be attacked by a fellow citizen. She lived in America for decades, but suddenly, in 2017, she’s concerned about her grandson’s...
Big Dustin Byfuglien Takes Out Three Dudes At Once
Jets defenseman Dustin Byfuglien is listed at 6-foot-5, 260 pounds, and depending on the time of year, even that might be severely underselling it. The point is you don’t want to be in his way when his brakes go out. ...
DeMarcus Cousins To Rude Heckler: "Suck A Dick, Bitch"
DeMarcus Cousins’s tenure with the Pelicans hasn’t started off so well, as the birds have struggled against a tough schedule despite solid play from Boogie. Last night, they beat the Lakers in L.A., and a pair of hecklers parked their asses courtside, laid into Boogie, and got video of themselves do...
Get A Load Of This Incredible Game-Winning Sequence From Kawhi Leonard
The Rockets went to San Antonio tonight to play the Spurs and give us all a preview of what the Western Conference semifinals will be like. For most of the game, Houston was in control. James Harden scored 18 points in the first quarter and the Rockets led by double digits from early in the first qu...
Honestly I Hope Most Of The Young USMNTers Suck Because I Hate Their Names<em></em>
The young boys on the USMNT U20 team won their age group’s CONCACAF Championship this weekend. Which, for diehard American soccer fans, should be great, being a good omen for the future and all. But fuck that. I never want to root for anyone with one of these nearly universally terrible names....
The American Cup Was A Competition In Search Of A Story
Back in 2013, the American Cup marked the senior debut of Simone Biles. Though she didn’t win the meet—the title went to Katelyn Ohashi, who had been a junior superstar—it was evident that Biles was about to become a force in U.S. women’s gymnastics. Even if no one watching could’ve predicted just h...