w Page 3800 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Jameis Winston's Status Revised, Now Suspended For Entire Clemson Game
Florida State's administration suspended Jameis Winston for the first half of tomorrow's Clemson game earlier this week after engaging in the public execution of a meme. Now, after having time to think about it, interim FSU president Garnett Stokes and AD Stan Wilcox have decided to bench the Heisma...
Cops Say Rex Chapman Ripped Off An Apple Store To The Tune Of $14,000
Police say former NBA player and executive Rex Chapman is responsible for a string of thefts from an Arizona Apple Store totaling more than $14,000....
Derek Jeter Ass-Eating Gossip We Really Want To Be True
Today, a tipster sent us a bit of gossip about Derek Jeter's sex life that comes from what he claims to be a very reliable source. This gossip is likely no more true than similar stories we've come across in the past, but we really, really want it to be true. ...
That Stupid Derek Jeter Ad Will Make You Cry For America
On Thursday, The Gatorade Company Inc.—a marketing shop with a secondary concern in the manufacture and distribution of sweetened salt water—released an advertisement featuring Derek Jeter, one of the worst players in baseball....
Manchester United's Luke Shaw Is The Next Gareth Bale, Even If He's Not
This summer, Manchester United bought left back Luke Shaw from Southampton for £30 million. Luke Shaw is 19 years old. If you're not familiar with soccer's transfer fees, that is a staggering amount of money for a teenager. It's more than the fee paid for Wayne Rooney, another English talent of grea...
Apparently 1860 Munich Really Will Wear This Oktoberfest Kit In-Game
When I first saw this alleged 1860 Munich uniform, inspired by Oktoberfest and mimicking the Bavarian national costume, I thought it must be a joke. Gingham, collared shirts? Lederhosen? But it's real. And I think I kinda love it now....
James Dolan Is A Shitty Boss, Part 4,593
New York Knicks owner and crap-ass wannabe blues musician James Dolan tried to set some kind of world record for the most people playing kazoo in one room. He enlisted New York Knicks Amar'e Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony, who would have probably rather been anywhere else, to help him lead the crowd...
McDonald's Is Poisoning iPhone-Line Denizens With Food From McDonald's
Man, Apple customers get all the free shit lately. ...
This Russian Soccer Brawl Goes From 0 To 100 Real Quick
As more proof that there's nothing Russians don't think would be improved by spontaneous kickboxing bouts, here's a video of two youth soccer teams fucking each other up after only the slightest provocation....
How Many Cheese Slices Belong On A Grilled Cheese Sandwich?
It's a question that has stalked man through the generations: How many slices of cheese go into a properly made grilled cheese? I am here today to tell you I have solved this riddle once and for all....
NFL Loses Corporate Partner For Breast Cancer Awareness Week
It seems that of the toxicity of Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson has finally seeped its way into the NFL at large. According to CBS Sports, manufacturing behemoth Procter & Gamble has pulled out of an upcoming partnership with the NFL for Breast Cancer Awareness Week. ...
MLS's Clint Dempsey Raps Like MLS Plays Soccer (Like Shit)
This is EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE of Clint Dempsey, American and major league soccer player, rapping at a video game's New York launch party last night. It is weird. ...
How I Let Go Of My NFL Career
Excerpted from the new epilogue to Slow Getting Up: A Story of NFL Survival from the Bottom of the Pile, now available in paperback. We published an adaptation from the book last year....
Falcons-Buccaneers Highlights, As Called By Wrestling Legend Jim Ross
Atlanta beat Tampa Bay 56-14 tonight in a rout one might charitably call a "slobberknocker." As befitting any time a team gets truly embarrassed on the field of play, we've taken great calls from wrestling legend Jim Ross and applied them to tonight's highlights. Take it away, J.R.!...
Cyclist Jens Voigt Breaks Record With Over 204 Laps In An Hour
German cyclist Jens Voigt rode 51.115 kilometers—or almost 32 miles—in an hour at the Velodrome Suisse in Switzerland tonight. It's tiring to just read those words. The 43-year-old became the first to break 50 kilometers since the Union Cycliste Internationale changed the requirements in May....
Vikings Cut Jerome Simpson After July Weed Charges Surface
Suspended Vikings receiver Jerome Simpson now has no team after he finishes his three-game suspension. The team announced today that they were cutting him after new July charges, one of them being marijuana possession, came to light....
Darren Rovell Can't Tell A Two From A Five
Darren Rovell is a petty dickhead. Because people make so many jokes about how he is a money-grubbing, soulless, post-human shill for rich old men and corporations, his sheer petty dickheadedness can go underappreciated, but it's really what defines him, which is why the very best Rovell stories i...
Rugby Guy Gets Hit In The Balls, Checks To Make Sure They're Still There
This happened during the Rugby World Cup way back in 2003, but it's surfaced on the internet now because the English rugby team is celebrating the top moments from the 2003 tournament (thanks, English rugby!) This top moment involves Will Greenwood taking a shot to the balls while getting tackled, a...