wins Page 76 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
In This Case, The Zebra Is Not A Euphemism
A Pittsburg State football player will miss this season after a zebra bit him in the arm. Why was he near a zebra in Kansas? He was moving four of them to paint a fence. Damn zebras, man. [KC Star]...
And Here's The Front Page Of Tomorrow's <em>New York Post</em>
Amazingly, Busted Coverage's ridiculous giant penis-wielding bachelorette story was completely true. This photo tells the tale: the daring lass staring down the determined Tahoe sheriff as Michael Jordan cautiously avoids a messy inflatable dong confrontation. Yay America....
Today In Mutton Bustin'
Hurry up, Abilene mutton-bustin' pre-teens! This weekend is your last chance to register for the Wild Bill Hickok Rodeo's sheep-riding extravaganza, also known as the ovine world's revenge for all that Shari Lewis shit. [Abilene Reflector-Chronicle]...
Chris Berman: The Next Cronkite
In the wake of Walter Cronkite's passing, the Washington Post asked a few famous personages to "suggest public figures who meet the Cronkite standard of trustworthiness." The list is pretty much as you'd expect. Oprah, Bill Moyers, Chris Berman....
Okay, Perhaps Kellen Winslow Is A Soldier
We've all mocked Kellen Winslow in the past for grossly overestimating his own bravery. But perhaps it's time to reconsider, given that last year, he had his testicles sliced open....
This Little Furry Will Be Shaq's Reality Show Sidekick
"Ive been alotta place but being at the shaolin temple n china has brouhht a tear to my eye buddha blessed," Shaq recently tweeted. So he cried on the shoulder of a giant panda, and turned that frown upside down....
Fred McGriff's and Bill James's Love Child Will Change The Game
Today, possibly even as you read this, a shadowy cabal of MLB executives, scientists and SABR nerds is meeting to decide the future of baseball. Who will survive the coming new world order? Here's a hint: Not Adam Dunn....
All You Can Eat, With A Side Order Of Cardiac Disease
One $34 ticket to a Twins game gets you a bleacher seat and free food — everything but beer and ice cream sundaes —so fans are loading up for their sleep-induced hibernation until Brett Favre arrives. [AP]...
LSU Is Your National Oyster Diving Champions
I believe that's what this sign refers to. No one is really sure what those SEC schools are up to when football isn't in season. [Daily Reveille]...
Kellen Winslow Kindly Requests You Make No More References To Him Being A F*$#ing Soldier
Besides being a talented, but injury-prone tight end, Kellen Winslow is best known for his patriotic tirade against those kamikaze Tennessee Volunteers. But Winslow's less combustible now, so he doesn't appreciate any references to it, even if it's playfully complimentary....
Depressed Urban Zone Saved By Valiant Sports Team
All of Pittsburgh's troubles as a shrunken post-war manufacturing center are over now that the city has its third Stanley Cup championship and its second major sports title this year. Detroit, sadly, will be boarded up and shipped to Borneo....
Your Last 300-Game Winner
Did you enjoy Randy Johnson's afternoon skewering of the Nationals? Because you'll probably never get a chance to see that again. (The 300th win part, not the Nationals getting skewered.) [Jayson Stark; Seattle Times]...
Todd Tichenor Got His Money's Worth Last Night
Umpire Todd Tichenor made history (maybe? probably not) when he ejected four people in one inning of the Red Sox-Twins game last night. Hey, when you're a temporarily fill-in just called up from the minors, you've got to take your shots when you can get them....
The Minnesota Twins Had A Rough Weekend
Ron Gardenhire's crew arrived in the Bronx just in time for the movers who finally brought over the magical Yankees Magic Machine from the other stadium. Oooooh ... ghosts!...
Yeah, Bert Blyleven Ate Those Worms
Gee, I wonder why this guy isn't in the Hall Of Fame yet? (It was all for charity, folks.) And where is angry press release from PETA? [Sportress of Blogitude]...
Real Men Swing Pink Bats
MLB is breaking out pink bats again in honor of Mother's Day and to support breast cancer awareness. To promote early screening, doctors will be giving a lifetime of free mammograms to Arod and Manny....
Bert Blyleven In "How To Eat Fried Worms"
MEDIA ALERT: Bert Blyleven will eat a live nightcrawler in front of Metrodome fans before the Twins-Mariners game on Saturday. Plan your weekend accordingly. [Two Big Boobs]...
The Kentucky Derby Revisited: Follow The Circle And Ignore Tom Durkin
NBC's lead race caller Tom Durkin is getting hammered for his I-Am-Yelling-About-The-Wrong-Horses!-routine that annoyed many viewers, especially racing purists, those who had money on Pioneer of The Nile and blind people....
MVP Award May Finally Earn LeBron James Some Publicity
The Plain-Dealer says LeBron James will be named the MVP today. He also wins a new Kia, which is awesome because I hear his Datsun pickup is rusted out. [Cleveland Plain-Dealer]...