Telestrator Dong And Balls Run The Triangle Offense

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• The Lakers lose their third straight, and I think it's clear they're going nowhere this year. Because if we can pass judgment on the Heat at this point in the season, why not Los Angeles too?

•James Harrison gets another fine, this time 25 grand for putting his helmet into the chest of Ryan Fitzpatrick. It brings his total to $125,000 on the year. Mike Tomlin says he has to change his tackling style, but since he's an effective player, maybe the Steelers should just pay him $125,000 more each year.

•Scott Raab and Gregg Doyel, Internet firebrands both, mixed it up on Twitter last night. You are tearing me apart, LeBron!

•Beckett went and did it. They mocked up baseball cards for Derek Jeter with all 30 teams. The Oakland one looks the strangest, which points to them as the default punchline for unbelievable destinations for high-paid players. Like they have been for 15 years.

•The LPGA votes to change their policy on transgendered golfers, no longer requiring tour members to be "female at birth." Phil Mickelson's chest makes me think he's already started the hormone treatments.

(Thanks to Peter for the photo)

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It's December, which means I'm going to be posting this song like 15 more times, and I'll ban you if you complain.