Terrible News: England Defeat Sweden To Advance To World Cup Semifinal 

In a truly unfortunate turn of events, England’s World Cup run can no longer go down as anything other than a tremendous success after the terrible lads triumphed over Sweden Saturday, 2-0. We are left to take inadequate consolation from the fact that under no circumstances can both England and Russia advance to the World Cup Final. But either still might! Terrible.

A lightly marked Harry Maguire opened the scoring in the 30th minute, heading in an Ashley Young corner, to the great horror of all decent people:

Sweden came close to drawing even early in the second half, when a Marcus Berg header required an excellent one-handed save by England keeper Jordan Pickford, but the awful redcoats responded in the 59th minute with another headed goal, this time from Dele Alli off of a lovely deep cross from Jesse Lingard:

The truth is England dominated play most of the way, and earned this victory, leading to nightmare scenes like this one, of British people enjoying themselves:

England will play the winner of Croatia-Russia in England’s first World Cup semifinal appearance since 1990. Awful.