The Armadillo Cowboy, Know Thy Name

The NBA Closer is written by our own Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or throwing out pork chops, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast. Enjoy!

• Yee-Haw! I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Joe Johnson is the Armadillo Cowboy. Why? No reason. But please give me this, OK? Seriously. It's the only thing that keeps me going these days. I think I have the black lung, Pops. *cough* Minnesota held a one-point lead after Marko Jaric's layup with 2.2 seconds left, but the Armadillo Cowboy nailed an 18-footer at the buzzer to lift the Hawks — CAW! — to the 90-89 victory. "Two and a half seconds is a lot," Jaric said. "I'm upset right now. I was less than three seconds from hot hero sex."

• Who's Team Is This Again? A day after scoring 51 points, Iverson may have been even better, dropping 35 points and 12 dimes to lead the Nuggets past the Mavericks 122-109. A.I. made 12-of-19 shots and was 11-of-13 from the charity line. It was his first 30-10 game of the season. Kenyon Martin, who it's nice to see back raping rims again, had 18 points and seven boards.

• Fooked. The Heat are a [expletive] mess. Shaq doesn't want to "[expletive] communicate," Pat Riley isn't happy with wearing a [expletive] mic during games, and the team can't even beat the Portland [expletive] Trail Blazers. Brandon Roy, who finally found his shot again (it was in his pants leg!), scored 25 as the Blazers posted the 112-106 win.