The Bizarro Bill Simmons

From the great Yard Work satirical blog, here's an imaginary (but just barely) selection from Bill Simmons' mailbag:

Q: In all of recorded history, has a man ever gone out on a first date with a woman, talked about fantasy baseball (no matter how briefly) during any part of that night's conversation, and earned a second date with that woman? Has this ever happened to the best of your knowledge? — Norman B., Montreal, QC

SG: No, that has never happened. To review, the following topics of conversation are off-limits on all first dates, no exceptions: fantasy baseball, Golden Tee golf, manure, weight/dieting, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, and the book "Morrissey and Marr: The Severed Alliance" by Johnny Rogan. The reasoning behind the first five should be self evident. As for the last one, you'll just have to trust me.

More Cowbell Than You Will Ever Need [Yard Work]