The Five Habits of Highly Rejected Commenters

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week. Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed. So here's this week's column that rehashes some of the most important combudsmanly rules. It's been fifteen months since I wrote the sports blogosphere's premiere column railing against idle fantasy sports chatter, and yet people still email me every week asking me to issue a ban against such practices. In a perfect Deadspin commenting world, we wouldn't have to put up with fantasy football owners complaining that Peyton Manning didn't throw enough touchdown passes or wondering why Troy Brown wasn't getting them any receiving yards. But as long as lunatic legal hijinks like this going on, it isn't a perfect world. So don't be afraid to fight back against these offenders! Nobody cares about your fantasy team!Actually, we get new commenters every day and maybe the time has come to revisit some of my most important combudsman columns. If you've read 'em before, consider this to be a sort of re-education. If you're new here, consider this to be gospel. Yes, I'm taking the sportsblogger's easy way out. I'm doing a listicle: The Five Habits of Highly Rejected Commenters:

Nobody Cares That You Can't See This Video: Welcome to the World Wide Web, folks. It has multimedia capabilities now and that includes embedded videos on Deadspin. Can't see videos behind your workplace's firewall? Wait until you get home to watch it instead of groaning about your inability to enjoy it.

You Threadjackin' It?: For crying out loud, if you are going to threadjack a post with breaking news, make sure it hasn't already been broken. And don't have extended conversations about the 'jack.

Wah Wah This Column Is Too Long: Yes, Big Daddy Drew writes 8,000-word screeds about masturbation. He gets paid to do exactly that, and people eat it up. Don't complain.

No There Is No Love For Your Favorite Team: This one has fallen by the wayside as the various Closers have disappeared in A.J. Daulerio's Reign of Blogging. Still, I liked it.

This Joke Was Funnier Five Minutes Ago: So simple to understand, yet so difficult in practice. Don't repeat jokes. Cripes almighty, be original.

There you have it. Follow these five rules and you'll help eliminate the poor unfunny comments from Deadspin and increase your chances of winning Comment of the Fortnight, like these clever folks: Re: Syracuse's anachronistic Ernie Davis statue Stev D: Also, he shouldn't be twittering from his iphone. Re: Sadsack Patriots fans booing their team SlantedAndDisenchanted: This is like when people turned on President Bush so soon after he won 9-11. Re: Matt Millen getting shitcanned RugDaniels: The hard part will be going home to tell Webster and Ma'am that he lost his job. These folks, however, have seen their last days of commenting privileges wiped away with the eraser of execution: Say Goodbye To: IBleedOrange Why: General dickitude without any apparent basis in hilarity. Say Goodbye To: Top Of A New Morning! Why: Using the blink tag and claiming false copyright. Say Goodbye To: Oragamo Why: Making a "First!" comment and then regenerating to do it again and again and again. If I find out who you are, I will rip your heart out and eat it with a 2003 Barolo.