The Jaguars Unveiled Another Set Of Silly New Uniforms Today

We were all so young back in—what—April 2009? The Jaguars unleashed a new array of uniforms back then, and they were "streamlined," teal and black. A later redesign added occasional gold accents. Today, the Jaguars unveiled new uniforms, also "streamlined," also teal and black with gold accents.

It's the same old song, and it still sounds terrible because it's being played by a post-Allmans band from Jacksonville. (Think Limp Bizkit.) At least this time there's some marvelously wack-ass Nike promotional copy to go along with it:

The design renaissance, developed by the Jacksonville Jaguars, the NFL and Nike, centers around the concept of the American dream and realizing success through hard work, ingenuity and leadership – ideals that Jaguars Owner Shahid Khan is working to instill throughout the entire organization. ...

The new black uniform features teal and gold accents, making a bold statement from top to bottom. Black represents the true characteristics of a jaguar – a feared predator who hunts with stealth precision. Jaguar claw marks across the shoulders, around the neckline and within the stripe pattern on the pant are placed in an aggressive forward-facing position.

BYAH! What an aggressive pant. Note also, at left, the redesign's major component: a two-toned helmet, which we expect to make CBS's cameras, during some 1 p.m. game announced by Spero Dedes and Steve Tasker, appear miscalibrated.

You know, it's hard to shake the feeling—in the face of these endless picayune uniform redesigns—that Nike, the Jaguars, and the NFL just want Americans to buy more stuff. But all of that is easier visualized than actualized, especially when the team is so bad it has no better spokesmodel than Justin Blackmon.