The Perfect Gift For The Kris Brown Fan In Your Life

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•Dear Texans fans: What the fuck? It would be wrong to paint an entire fanbase with the same brush as the twisted mind who created this...companion, but, yeah, that's pretty much what I'm gonna do.

•A real, practicing judge took the time to rule the Happy Gilmore running swing illegal in the province of Nova Scotia. This is what happens when your court system isn't clogged up with frivolous lawsuits and Guantanamo detainees.

•The talented QB who's unjustly hated because of the snobby team he plays for is likely to be under center this weekend, despite his head injuries. Roethlisberger or Clausen?

• Abe Pollin, the longest tenured owner in the NBA, died yesterday at 85. The Wizards honored his memory with a 1-point win over a 4-9 team.

•Despite a win, Liverpool don't make the Champions League round of 16. This was news to me, as I was under the impression that the soccer season finished Sunday night in Seattle.

•The official douchebag bar of the Upper East Side (Mad River, for those in the know) apparently doubles as a Wisconsin Badger bar, and they could face charges for selling a Wisconsin beer that's not licensed to be sold out of state. Also not licensed to be in NYC: college football.

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Your regular hosts will be with you shortly. Don't forget to starve yourself today.