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We don't know who Annalisa Ellis โ€” if that's her real name โ€” is, but we have a feeling she's about to become very popular in the Boston area.

A writer for the increasingly must-read The Phat Phree, Ellis describes, in gruesome, hilarious detail, which Red Sox players she would have sex with, which ones she wouldn't, and why. Check out some of her takes.

โ€ข Manny Ramirez: "Don't let the clever 'ManRam' nickname fool you. The only thing he ll be ramming is my ass when I m bent over the infield wall." (Editor's Note: It's worth pointing out that, uh, infields don't have walls. But we'll let it slide. So to speak.)
โ€ข David Ortiz: "He couldn t be on top, because I would die. I couldn t be on top because dammit, I'm really not that flexible. So, it would probably have to be from behind and even calling him 'Manny' wouldn t make that fun."
โ€ข Theo Epstein: "He plays hard-to-get with the management, and what self-destructive girl doesn t want a guy who plays mind games?"

Um, yeah.

Red Sox Players I'd Do [The Phat Phree]