The Saga Of Urban Meyer's Car Was The Dumbest Part Of A Ridiculous Day At Ohio State

A whole lot of nothing happened in Columbus for most of Wednesday as Ohio State’s Board of Trustees met to deliberate on the findings from the investigation into Urban Meyer’s handling of domestic violence allegations against his former assistant coach, Zach Smith. The meeting, which began at 9 a.m., continued without resolution until Meyer’s short suspension was announced at about 9 p.m. The 12 newsless hours jacked up the suspense about Meyer’s fate—and gave reporters at the scene pretty much nothing to do except hang around a coach’s car. So they provided updates on that.

Urban’s Audi was first spotted in the morning, hidden in the back of the building near a loading dock.

A couple hours later, reporters were shooed away from the car, which piqued interest that Urban might be coming out soon.

Folks, the departure was not imminent. Reporters were stuck hanging around not just Urban’s car all day but also, eventually, his wife Shelley’s car, too. She arrived around 2:30.

The utmost vigilance was required and shown by Ohio State employees to protect the car from the growing throng of enthusiastic supporters. Three strong and able men dutifully protected coach’s car from the Buckeye faithful.

But Urban’s car wasn’t the only vehicle getting attention. Toward the end of the afternoon, an aimless rush of excited reporters was triggered by—what else?—a fucking Papa John’s pizza delivery car.

As the sun started to creep down further in the sky, some sudden movement around the cars seemed, perhaps, to finally put an end to the madness. But no, the couple’s cars were merely being flipped around.

It would be two-and-a-half more hours before the saga concluded. After the press conference, Meyer walked through a sea of reporters shouting questions and camera flashes popping in the darkness and drove away, for all intents and purposes, as a free man.

There’s nothing like college football.